*ded*

Noah asked me out.

i can't even formulate the words to describe what i'm feeling.

i want to say yes. i honestly do.

but it's not fair to him. because i'm in love with Stefani.

and i hate myself for that. i was presented a chance to escape and i blew it by telling him.

not everything. just that it wouldn't be fair to him because i was in love with someone who can never love me back.

god fucking damn it!

i hate myself so much right now.

i mean, it's like, someone likes me, for me. and i can't even accept that. if i can't just take that for what it is, than where am i headed? what is my life going to be like if i can't let myself live?

i see this ending either really well, or really really really bad.

someone put me out of my misery.

new years

part of me loves the thought of getting a new start. kind of like a clean slate with notes off to the side. and part of me is terrified that things aren't going to get better. if they way i'm spending new years eve is any indication 2009 is gonna blow.

stefani's pm and sn on messenger keep getting more and more confusing. i refuse to let myself get my hopes up. today's says: [[Watching you... wanting you...]] don't you... forget about me?

and it's like, what the hell. either she's still hung up on Mike (which would seriously piss me off) or... i don't even know. or i want to think i know but won't let myself. something like that.

TOP 5 IN 2008:

1. Fall Out Boy's new cd. Fall Out Boy in general.

2. The Panic Concert (yes, it gets caps.)

3. Barack Obama (nuff said)

4. Chicago. oh how i miss you.

5. Graduating.



TOP (HOPEFUL) 5 IN 2009:

1. my band. just, anything happening there would be great.

2. i wanna meet someone i look up to. like Pete Wentz.

3. independance (read: apartment)

4. more Chicago. please.

5. youtube. like, really.

more lyrics

The smoke is a veil before my face
I’d like to tell you that I love you
It’s not a feeling I indulge too often
But for you I’d change my ways
You’ll never be in love with me
Keep me always closer to your heart
I’m more alone than I thought I was
And yet not quite the way I always believed
Every word is written just for you
If I have my way you’ll never even know


Nicotine smiles meet heartbreak eyes
Underneath those arsenic skies
I keep my words to save my lies
You’re only hearts and butterflies

stuff i forgot about

to be ice cold
to be made of stone
to be unloved
and to not love back

to keep a secret
to tell someone elses
to be alone
and not to care

to be like me
to be like you
to be an angel
my guardian angel




time flies when you're having fun
and i'm stuck in a moment
i can see you waltzing past
i want to reach out but i can't
you are moving much to fast

i fall and you're not here to catch me
are you happier now that i've gone
i'm wishing you back by my side
back to the way we once were

i can feel you watching me
turn around and the room is empty
what a tragedy you're here to see
everyone laughs, i'm cold and lonely
i'd like to pretend i've got somewhere to be

i fall and you're not here to catch me
are you happier now that i've gone
i'm wishing you back by my side
back to the way we once were




here we are again
it's saturday and we're here again
just a touch away from
the biggest mistake of our lives
make another apology
and turn your head to stare at the ground
i can tell
i can tell you don't mean a single word

don't say you love me
don't be that way
don't say you love me
lets be honest now
cause you don't, you don't, you don't

i'm watching you
we're dancing around each other now
just a room away from
coming to terms with this
look away to the left whoa-oh
you're avoiding me like typhoid fever
you know
you know now that you were wrong

don't say you love me
don't lie that way
don't say you love me
cause we both know
you don't, you don't, you don't

don't say it.
don't look at me, don't say it.
i'm a mile away now
i've forgotten you, yeah
don't say it.
don't say you love me.

you were wrong and you know it
we're dancing around each other
this is the biggest mistake of our lives
don't say you love me.

oh right... i was gonna write something here...

coffee?

come on JT... briiiiing me coffee....

plz?

umm... so i was headed in the direction of the bathroom... and then i noticed that the guy was cleaning it so i stopped (like in the middle of the room) and he looks up and smiles and waves his hand at me like "come here, you're fine" so i kept walking and i got over there and i'm like "... thanks..." all sheepish like and he goes "no problem" all nice like. and then i notice... and my brain goes "prettyeyesprettysmileprettyfaceprettyprettypretty" and he totally just stood outside the bathroom door all awkward while i took a piss *embarrassing* but he gave me that smile when i walked out and it was all just... ack.

i feel like such a freak.

*sigh*

but if he'd like... smile like that again... i'm pretty sure i'd be ok.

*twitch*

the old people look at me like i'm nuts... but i think the waitress gets me.

and she talks to me about the crazy infomercials.

she's nice.

i twitch to much for them to think it's ok for me to have coffee lol.

cigarettes make coffee taste like eggs. and that's kinda gross.

that old guy in the corner is staring...

my waitress left. i think i stayed for her whole shift and did nothing but drink way too much coffee, smoke three cigarettes and twitch.

haha.

gah, gotta pee. but why get up and go pee, if i'm gonna leave when i finish this cup of coffee.

i don't understand what i just saw on tv.

what does a candle and a fan thing and a plastic tube thing have to do with a stereo?

k, bye.

all night coffee shop blues

i almost miss you more when you're around. but it only hurts when you're not.

sometimes i wish someone would read this, just anyone. but at the same time i'm terrified that someone will read it and think "wow, wtf is wrong with her?"

do my thoughts mean a thing if no one ever sees them? it's a modern adaptation of the age old tree question.

all night diners rule. cause i'm just so not okay with sleeping right now.

and one more cup of coffee is only going to do more to save me from another nightmare

ignore the fact that i haven't eaten enough to balance out the caffiene.

i wish you would let me sit next to you, why take up the whole couch when we don't need to?

i'd run away if i thought i could stay away from you at all

i'm such a sucker for abuse but you'd never know it unless you tried me out

i'm pretty sure i've consumed enough coffee for the both of us, you don't drink it anyway

can you tell me you never once thought about kissing me?

if you can... i'd rather you didn't.

i'm only partially willing to be sleepless, and you're only part of the reason i'm partially willing.

you're also part of the reason i wish i could sleep, but only if you'll let me sleep next to you

would anyone else understand if they read this?

would you hate it if i gave you eskimo kisses or put my head in your lap

i'm to afraid to try, i guess i'll never know

sometimes i let it slip how cute you are when you're sleepy

you just smile and shrug, is this a good thing?

i might die if you ever found this to read.

someday maybe we'll be too famous to hide it anymore.

and then i guess i'll know if i could have had you all this time

should i sneak some of these thoughts into a song or two

or just keep them all for me, myself, and i(rene)

i'm sorry i'm not what you're looking for, i'll always be here anyway

but please don't ask my opinion about the guy you may or may not date

sometimes you let it slip that you miss me and it keeps me going just a bit longer

i almost wish you lie and say you hate me.

i would even be your Romeo if you promised to be my Juliet

please ignore my blatent lack of masculinity and all other tell tale male parts.

i send you texts that i'm sure tell you everything i'm afraid to admit

but you ignore them, i guess i never expected anything more

in the words of my illustrious waitress "if you've gone to sleep and woken up it's morning, if you're still awake from yesterday it's night"

i'm pretty sure that makes it night all the time for me.

it's so early breakfast people are here.

i should go home.

but home isn't home when you're not there.

hmm

i'm thinking about starting to record my food intake again.

today i ate:

1)two tortillas, both with refried beans, soy mayonaise, and avocado

2)two bowls of spaghetti

3)pancakes

and that is way too much.

not sleeping.

if i asked you to just spend an hour in bed with me, where it's warm, just staring at the ceiling, cause i'm sad and you make me happy, would you do it?

or would you blow me off like all the other times?

If It Can't Be You

why can't you be the one
to hold my hand when i just can't go on
and if it can't be you
i wish that someone was the one
a smile when i am feeling low
a kiss when i'm a tab bit blue
perhaps you could tell me who
if it can't be you?

but it's not you
it's not anyone at all
i'm all alone, i'm all alone
no one to catch me when i fall
i'm all alone, i'm all alone
i just don't understand
i'm all alone, i'm all alone

and why can't it just be you
you said it once, you loved me too
but if you lied or changed your mind
could you hold me anyway
and maybe wipe my tears away
or say, hey look, she's mine you know
just once, to make the sun come out
if it can't be you

but it's not you
it's not anyone at all
i'm all alone, i'm all alone
no one to catch me when i fall
i'm all alone, i'm all alone
i just can't seem to understand
i'm all alone, i'm all alone

but i still want it to be you
who makes my skies turn blue from gray
if not forever just for today
to hug me when i'm not ok
to fix my hair when it's all screwed up
and make me smile when i'm upset
i'm asking just this one request
if it can't be you
(will you please just try?)

"every line is plotted and designed to leave you standing on your bedroom window ledge"

do you know what it feels like to be alive? to have every fibre of your being stretching and straining and working towards a certain goal? do you really know what it means to be alive? i wish i could say that i do, but you've made sure that i don't. that without you i'm just an empty shell without hope, without meaning, without breath. i can't sleep unless i can hear your steady breathing, i can't sing unless i see your face, i can't smile unless you smile at me. i'm streatched across my bed without thought and feeling and i'm waiting for sleep. do you know what it means when i tell you i can't sleep? it means i need you. it means i want you to hold me. it means i love you. but you never understand so i'm sleepless and smile-less. i'm empty without you. and i can't fucking take it any longer.

for all the times

i hate you for all the things that i can't tell you
all the ways that you are perfect and i'm not
for all the times i smiled at you and you simply looked away
for making me believe that maybe you cared too
then telling me i wasn't good enough for you

holy shit it's been a month...

Hannah says:
i somehow managed to close your window and not notice, what was the last thing you said?
Hannah says:
hello?
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
oh
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
yeah
Hannah says:
ok
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
peeeeeee
Hannah says:
ok
Hannah says:
what would you do if one day i just disappeared?
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
like how
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
like.... invisible...or hiding
Hannah says:
ran away or, just.. idk, stopped existing
Hannah says:
not supernatural "lookie me, mom! I'm invisible"
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
running away and dying are 2 diff thing
Hannah says:
i didn't say dying, i said stopped existing, it's differant. but, like, you didn't know where i was or if i was safe or if i went willingly and left you behind or if i got kidnapped or what happened, but one day i just wasn't there
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
oh
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
freak
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
call you
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
uhh
Hannah says:
i don't answer. you can't find me, i'm just.... gone.
Hannah says:
like i never existed
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
wait...look
Hannah says:
what am i looking at?
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
nooo
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
i would wait//
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
and look
Hannah says:
you'd look for me?
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
yes
Hannah says:
for serious look for me or just... look for me?
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
well since i pretty much only have feet... look for you
Hannah says:
nice
Hannah says:
well, just so you know, if i disappear, i probably won't be anywhere you can easily get to with just your feet
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
i know =[
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
wtf
Hannah says:
but you'd try right? like really try? like in the movies when people go half crazy looking and then just when you think the movie is going to end and you start to hate it they see the other person like, sitting on a park bench half way across the country from where they should be or drinking coffee in some foreign country or something like that?
Hannah says:
?
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
(yeah just like that, but)dylan and cole sprouse were born in italy. worked with adam sandler. like the vidoe games i like and like forrest gump
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
wow. they are only 2 years younger
Hannah says:
you're ridiculous
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
yeah
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
they suck =[
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
they're disney junkies.
Hannah says:
i'd leave you clues you know. i wouldn't make you just guess.
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
not allowed to like forrest gump
Hannah says:
lol
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
ok whew
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
i include that in look
Hannah says:
clues or guessing?
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
clues
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
signs
Hannah says:
i'm pretty sure you'd be able to find me if you tried though. without the clues. you know me pretty well.
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
yeah
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
lol i found my mom in meijer
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
by following her logic
Hannah says:
finding your mom in meijer and finding me 'somewhere' are only slightly comparable. but i admire your skill.
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
in the awkward medication isle
Hannah says:
lol
Hannah says:
very nice
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
well she doesnt like food... she wasnt in the sweaters so it was the only place left
Hannah says:
hahaha
Hannah says:
my mom and i lost each other in Big Lots for two hours once
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
wow
Hannah says:
we're too random to guess where the other person is going to be. most of the time we're like right behind the other, just missing them each time. we're awesome like that
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
oh
Hannah says:
if i was going to disappear, where do you think i'd hide the first clue?
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
do you know where you would hide the first clue?
Hannah says:
i might...
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
i would find it eventually
Hannah says:
but you don't know
Hannah says:
what if eventually isn't good enough, what if there's a time limit?
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
there are lots of placesss
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
eventually is like...30 mins
Hannah says:
lol
Hannah says:
i guess that's fast enough
Hannah says:
but how long would it take you to figure out you needed to look?
Hannah says:
a day? a week? a few hours?
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
Hmmmm
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
as soon as someone told me you were gone or like you werent there....
Hannah says:
what if no one noticed? like they realised i wasn't there but figured i was around?
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
lioke 24 hrs tops
Hannah says:
so let's say tomorrow you wake up and by the end of the day you realise i've disappeared. what then?
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
i look
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
i wait
Hannah says:
and if i decide i don't want anyone to find me?
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
i look and wait
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
and dont tell ppl when i find you
Hannah says:
and if it's not that simple? what if years go by and you haven't found me?
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
i look.......and wait
Hannah says:
but how long? people give up looking for the people they've lost all the time
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
id always like....back of mind look
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
you know how hard it is for me to let go
Hannah says:
just as long as you wouldn't let me go. you know i wouldn't be able to stay away for very long
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
yeah
Hannah says:
sorry if i freaked you out... i kinda just realised how all that sounded...
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
lol i was half wondering if you were just gonna randomly leave
Hannah says:
i have no plans for the immediate future
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
oh
Hannah says:
meaning you don't have to worry
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
ok
Hannah says:
besides, if i was going to disappear i'd probably give you some sort of weird warning like "hey, i'm going for a drive, don't wait up"
Hannah says:
which of course would make you wait up and then you'd notice i didn't come back
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
yep
Hannah says:
and for future referance that you'll probably never use, i'd be pissed if you reported me missing and let the police do your job
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
lol popos cant find shit
Hannah says:
since i'll probably only disappear if i'm feeling epic-ly unloved and the whole point will be to see if you care. and if you only care enough to call the police, well, that's not really caring in my opinion
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
they want your babies missing 24 hours before they even give a shit
Hannah says:
true
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
so they fail
Hannah says:
mhm
Hannah says:
brb
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
k
Hannah says:
grandma woke up, turned off Roseanne, and started yelling
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
;o
Hannah says:
*sigh* i meed to move out
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
you are goping to
Hannah says:
yeah but it's taking to long
Hannah says:
i don't really have anywhere to move to
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
whats up with that anyway?
Hannah says:
^
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
like.....whats complicated?
Hannah says:
i have no room
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
use another one
Hannah says:
it's hard to move when there's no where to put your stuff
Hannah says:
plus having to go through all the shit i my room is overwhelming
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
if chloe / issac wont let you have their room make ypur mom move in thier room and take hers
Hannah says:
i can't remember if i have stuff shoved places i don't want people to find you know? and if i forget about them and leave it for grandma to get rid of what if she finds it?
Hannah says:
lol, nice
Hannah says:
she does have an amazingly comfy bed
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
search thouroughly and if you dont find it chances are neither will they
Hannah says:
grandma does this thing where she thoroughly examines everything before she gets rid of it to see what it is and if it's needed, even if i tell her it's not
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
put it in a bag and put it in a dumpster
Hannah says:
yeah, i thought of that, just put everything i don't want in garbage bags and take it to mom's on garbage day. but grandma will want to sort for stuff she can burn. papers and stuff.
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
do it when she sleeps
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
say it uhhhhh isnt there
Hannah says:
lol
Hannah says:
nice
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
he
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
brain go spolodey. i go sleepy
Nothing I can do....total eclipse of the heart. says:
nighr9ol
Hannah says:
that was fast
Hannah says:
night

i'm just so tired of it all

i'm the only one who can't sing to you
cause hey, you might take it the wrong way
and i'm too chicken shit to tell you how i feel
there's this one song that makes me laugh
but if i told you you might scream and run
i'm the only one who's not allowed to sing to you


you've got plans and i've got dreams
and hey, at least yours are realistic
mine make people laugh and say yeah, sure, whatever
the only thing i can find wrong with yours
is how they seem to be so completely void of... me
i wish you could see how much i need you

can i keep my eyes closed until it's all over

i'm afraid to open them and find out that you're gone

would you hold me if i asked you to

chicago i love you

omg chicago is amazing. i'd kill to live here forever!!!

Aunt Wendy keeps telling me how "beautiful" i am.

i wish she would stop.

it's not good to lie to people.

i think i'm loosing weight?

i keep forgetting to weigh myself.

i got my snakebites done.

everyone says they're awesome so that's good.

i miss Stefani so god damn much.

she misses me too though which makes it a little better for some reason.

she told me she loved me in a goodnight text.

it made me smile and i've been in a good mood ever since.

i feel better here than i do at home.

less stress and negativity i suppose.

needs a chorus...

it's a shame that you're to busy to see
that i'm about to loose my patience with you
you never have time to listen to me
i was wondering is there anything that i can do
to make you wanna make me happy

the radio just keeps playing those love songs
they're stuck in my head and i'm through
through with dreaming of me and you
now i know that it could never come true
it's enough to make a saint swear

i've always wanted to be one of those girls
that all the bands write those songs about
the ones who drink coffee at midnight
and takes care of all the stray cats in town
but i'm not crazy enough for you or them

will you remember me when i get back
or will you forget me and move on
i'll miss you lots but i'd never admit it
so when you read this just forget it
but don't let my memory slip away

overly complicated

i'm really good at burning bridges
holding grudges most of all
i've burned more bridges than i've kept intact
never realised that could be a problem
till i noticed i was all alone

i contradict myself everytime i open my mouth
can't make up my mind to be antisocial
or butterfly of the year, it's what i'm good at
can't sleep unless i'm angry
can't smile unless i'm sad
i only laugh when i'm pissed off
nobody'd know i was suicidal
till the obituary was writ

i'm that 10,000 piece puzzle
Aunt Edna gave you for your birthday
that never leaves the shelf
not even worth the trouble
of finding all the edge peices

give me a hug and i'll give you a kick
then turn around and sit on your lap
i can't sleep when i'm alone
but i don't want you to touch me
and still i wanna hold your hand

not ok with that

i hate the way i feel but i'm not sorry
i'm empty and i'm just not ok with that
i've waited way to long for you
and i should move on without you
but i just can't seem to leave you behind
cause i need you like i need oxygen
but just like it doesn't need me
neither do you and somehow that's not fine
i'd like it if you'd explain it all to me
cause you're so bi-polar it hurts
and i'm just not ok with that

hit the snooze and come back to me

i can't explain the feeling that i'm feeling
it's deep inside and crawling outwards
gnawing on my heartstrings and tugging on my insides
you're giving her that look and i just wish you'd look at me like that
i'd give anything yeah anything at all if you would just
hold me close and whisper in my ear,
run your fingers through my hair and kiss the scars on both my wrists
but you'd never see me that way, the way you see her
the way she doesn't deserve to be loved
even though she's just too perfect,
pretty eyes and smiling lips with silky hair and snow white skin
she's storybook perfect on the outside
and reality fucked on the inside
she's everything you want and i am not
cause i'm not so pretty on the outside
and i'm just a little to fucked on the inside
is there anyone out there who'll take me as i am

you know what i hate?

stef and i "got married" on December 21st

and yet she's always joking around about being married to other people which i'm fine with except when i say "hey, you married me first" she always finds some way to blow it off, like when we "got married" it didn't even mean anything.

and i know it's not for real or whatever, we were just plying around but, it still means a lot to me. it hurts when she makes it seem like nothing. it's like she's telling me our friendship doesn't mean anything to her.

Please wake up and smile at me

i saw you on the street
you looked like an angel
but you've fallen again
and your wings are tattered
your halo is bent and tarnished
you're not as perfect as you think
but you're better than I'll ever be

turn your nose up at me
let me know i'm not good enough
but i already knew that didn't i
you'll say that everythings fine
when is it ever fine these days

Washington

i wanna move somewhere
where it rains all the time
live in the atmosphere
of the emotions i'm
putting up with day to day
lets all go to Washington
cause it rains all the time

the rain will wash away
the tears that i am crying
hide all the tell tale signs
so you don't worry about me
cause i'm just fine

hey do you remember
that book with all the vampires
it always rained where they were
i wanna dance under the rain
look up at cloudy skies
let's move to Washington
cause it rains all the time

the rain will wash away
the tears that i am crying
hide all the tell tale signs
so you don't worry about me
cause i'm just fine

let's go to that restaurant
the one that looks like a ufo
eat food that we don't like
watch the rain hit the glass
from way way up high
i wanna move to Washington
cause it rains all the time

the rain will wash away
the tears that i am crying
hide all the tell tale signs
so you don't worry about me
cause i'm just fine

we'll listen to Purple Rain
and watch the movie too
cause I Would Die 4 U
but not for Gary Allen
maybe for Sting instead
can we move to Washington
cause it rains all the time

(from Desert Rose)
I dream of rain
I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I wake in vain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand

Smile

why don't i smile at you while i still feel like it
before the tears set in and i loose the motivation
i hope you appreciate the time i spend
faking smiles in your direction
they're all for your benefit you know
i smile because i love you best
you're the only reason that i smile at all anymore
sad that you just don't seem to notice
i'm grinning till my cheeks are sore
smiling till my lips just wont stretch that way again
maybe someday i'll take a vow
to never smile for you or anyone else
we'll see if you notice and give me a reason to smile again

fucking asshole cunt.

Mike cheated on Stefani.

He snuck out, got drunk, and made out with Chloe and Cheyenne.

and now he's mad because apparently Stefani was holding him back from being with Cheyenne.

he's the one who asked her out not the other way around. he held himself back.

he's being a total asshole and Stefani's just letting him screw her over.

if he shows up to her open house blood will flow.

sorry

i'm sorry i'm not pretty enough,
skinny enough,
smart enough,
tall enough,
funny enough,
happy enough,
delicate enough,
graceful enough,
innocent enough,
beautiful enough for you to love me back.

stupid fucking asshole!!!

Stefani's dating Mike a-fucking-gain.

FUCK

you know people kept telling me they were gonna get back together but i thought Stefani might prove them wrong you know? Cause he was so clingy and she got so sick of him why would she go out with him again? but apparently i was the one that was proved wrong.

he's such a fucking asshole.

he's shallow and inconsiderate and has absolutely no tact, no sense of public decency. he throws other girls emotions around like they're straw and expects stefani to be ok with him talking about liking other girls. because it's ok to like them as long as he doesn't want in their pants. and apparently you can't date someone unless you want in their pants. What happened to dating someone just cause you liked them, not just cause you wanted to nail them.

what the fuck.

but of course i'm not mad at Stefani. like that's even possible.


also:

i'm to lazy to remember to write down everything i eat. i'm going to try and start doing it again but last week as so hectic i was barely on the computer at all.

i graduated.

i have serious issues.

food intake

1)cereal/dried fruit

2)french fries

3)peanut butter sandwich

4)chips

5)toast and jelly

6)chik'n pattie

Food intake

1)Stir-fry vegetables and tofu

2)toast and jelly

3)pretzels

Yeah… obviously I forgot today was supposed to be a fast day… but at least I didn't eat very much yes?

dreams and punk rock princesses

i had a dream about Stefani last night.

it was really sweet and exactly the way i wish we were.

she kept snuggling up to me and putting her head on my shoulder and stuff, which would never happen because she jsut doesn't do that kind of stuff, but, w/e it was nice while it lasted.

weight

Previous weight = 188

Current weight = 187

Switching fast and weight days

I've decided to switch fast days to Sundays and weight days to Saturdays. We'll see if this works.

food intake

1)breakfast bar

2)blueberry bagel with peanut butter

3)tortilla with refried beans, stir-fry vegetables, chick peas and chik'n

food intake

1)tortilla with refried beans, lettuce, and chik'n

2)potato chips

3)pretzels

4)cinnabunnies

5)peanut butter and jelly sandwich

6)apple

chorus romance says goodnight

in July i'm going to Chicago to do a summer program at the college i want to go to.

i told stefani and at first she seemed like she cared but idk, it's almost like it doesn't bother her at all that i'm going to be in another state for a month. if she was the one that told me that she was leaving i'd be upset, i'd tell her how much i'm going to miss her, i'd make plans to go see her. but she... she just blew it off kinda.

and today during rake day she abandoned me to hang out with Mike, well sorta, at first she was alone, and then she was with Mike. i hate him so much, i feel like he's taking her from me. again. if she would just show that she cared once maybe i wouldn't be so insecure but she always seems so indifferant and that kills me.

do i talk about myself too much? i complain about Michelle doing it all the time but what if i do it too? i don't want to sound like a hypocrite... i'm going to try not to talk as much from now on. it'll be good for me, i need to be less obnoxious, more withdrawn. being an introvert never hurt anyone.

food intake

1)tortilla with refried beans, lettuce, and chick peas

2)potato chips

3)pretzels

4)tortilla with refried beans, lettuce, and chik'n

no walk

no bike ride

no throwing up

food intake

1)tater tots

2)french fries

3)tortilla and refried beans

4)pineapple

5)tortilla and strawberry jelly

no walk

no bike ride

no throwing up

urg.

Stefani went to prom with Mike.

do i need to say more about that?

i have no fucking clue what's going on there and if one more person asks me like i'm supposed to know i'm going to scream.

apparently we look closer than we are.

food intake

1)ritz crackers

2)chik'n pita wrap

3)peanut butter and jelly quesadilla

no walk

no bike ride

no throwing up

food intake (three days)

FRIDAY


1)peanut butter sandwich

2)half an orange

3)soy chai latte

4)crunch wrap(torilla, crunchy taco shell, beans, lettuce, tomato, onion)

5)spaghetti

6)peanut butter and jelly sandwich

walk

no bike ride

no throwing up

= 28 snaps



SATURDAY


Supposed to be a fast day. Prom kinda threw that off. The punishment doesn't do any good so I'm going to leave it out until I come up with something better.

1)strawberry shortcake

2)spinach with dressing

3)peanuts

4)vegetable Asian bowl

5)dry roasted peanuts

6)half an orange and strawberries

walk

no bike ride

no throwing up



SUNDAY



Weight day

1)chik'n sandwich with tomato

2)cabbage and chik'n strips

3)tomato sandwich

4)cereal

5)chik'n sandwich

Previous weight= 190

Current weight= 188

food intake

1)Animal crackers/dried fruit

2)tater tots

3)half an orange

4)ritz crackers/dried fruit

5)hash browns

6)spaghetti

no walk

no bike ride

no throwing up

=30 snaps

food intake

1)animal crackers/cranberries

2)peanut butter sandwich

3)half an orange

4)bowl of cereal

5)french fries

6)tortilla with refried beans

no walk

no bike ride

no throwing up

= 30 snaps

fear

you don't know how to be loved
i'm waiting here for a chance to prove you wrong
why don't you open up and smile at me
i'm trying to be cryptic and failing miserably
the hope is pounding through my veins
i'll try and keep the beat to myself
you were never one for rhythm anyway
a glance can mean the world
an empty shrug can mean my life
are you afraid to mean so much to me
it's too late you already own my heart

lost

if i lied and said i hated you
would it be better than the way things ought to be
cause you're so blind to the way i feel
for all i know you feel the same as well
i catch a glance of sympthy some days
do you know more than i give you credit for
why do you lead me on like this
you should be mine but you're not
and maybe i'm ok with that sometimes
i'm so confused about where i belong
are there arms out there that are waiting for me
i wish they'd hurry up and find me

food intake

1)animal crackers/cereal

2)peanut butter sandwich

3)french fries

4)tortilla with refried beans

5)whole pizza, no cheese, pineapple, and green peppers

no walk

no bike ride

no throwing up

50 snaps

food intake

i think i consume about 1,000 calories a day.
my first goal is to make it down to 600 calories a day by graduation.


1)Animal crackers/cereal

2)Peanut butter sandwich

3)Half a small orange

4)Pretzels

5)Pineapple (about 70 calories)

6)Tortilla and refried beans with ketchup (about 260 calories)

7)Small bowl of cereal

8)Peanut butter and jelly sandwich

no walk

no bike ride

no throwing up

=40 snaps

Sleeping Beauty

you are wishing
(wishing for a love you'll never have)
and i'm giving
(giving you a love you don't want)
life is failing
(failing to show you what love really is)
are you ready for a reality check
i'd love to be the one to wake you up
oh sleeping beauty of mine

Ana

i'm going to try something new.

i have a picture of a super skinny girl set as my background.

i'm going to look at it everytime i want to go get something to eat.

when i do eat, i have to write it down and then list it here at the end of the day with caloric intake if possible.

for everything i eat i have to snap my wrist with a hairtie 5 times.

if i go for a walk that cancels out 2 snaps.

if i go for a bike ride that cancels out 5 snaps.

if i throw up some of what i ate that cancels out 7 snaps

if i throw up everything that cancels out 10.

so if i only eat two things and i throw it all up or eat one thing and go for a bike ride, no punishment.

saturdays are fast days.

rules about fast days-
-water is to be consumed in large quantities.
-everytime you want to eat you must look through the thin pictures and snap your wrist with the hair tie 5 times.
-if prompted to eat, politely decline. if pushed, a fruit or some juice may be consumed but must be thrown up later.
-no food may be eaten until after church on sunday. at which time only light foods such as cereal or a plain veggie burger (no bun) should be eaten.
-it is highly recommended to go on a walk or bike ride to take your mind off of the food.


i have to weigh myself every sunday.

rules about weighing-
-must be done after a shower when completely naked
-number must be recorded
-if i lost weight i am allowed to skip one excersize time in favor of a longer nap.
-if no weight is lost i must excersize more. (a bike ride if i was going to walk, a longer bike ride if i was already going to ride my bike etc.)

a walk should be taken everyday if possible.

i hope this works.

Gold

my thoughts have no meaning
without a song to sing them to
it's a waste of time and money
or so they've said to you
raise your eyes to the skies
keep your head high
these words need a melody or two


i'm only here to remind you
when angels sing golden words of hope
pull the curtain from the window
and let the light shine through
color all the darkness with
the longing of a thousand dreamers

are you ready for all of this
we're gonna walk down those streets
ignore the stares of the passersby
we're better than they'll ever know
can you feel the music playing
it's pulsing through our veins
keeping us alive inside and out

i'm only here to remind you
when angels sing golden words of hope
pull the curtain from the window
and let the light shine through
color all the darkness with
the longing of a thousand dreamers

tell me all your dreams come true
smile and tell me angels never cry
we're so many miles away from
all we ever thought we'd know
but are you happy, are you happy
this is shaking me up, upside down
but our names are in lights these days

Push

i'm gonna push push push
dream that you're mine
we'll be big someday
let's toe that line
push peoples reality
will you be mine
will i be yours
i'd give it all up
for just a day to be yours

you and only you

the confusion has reached an ultimate peak
my brain to mouth filter has gone on vacation
i'm stumbling, stuttering, making a fool of myself
can you feel the words flying from my mouth
they are aimed at you and only you

dodge the phrases you don't accept
it'll be like they never left my brain
meaningless glances exchanged between friends
do you catch the meaning, the meaning behind
all the words i've said to you and only you

grow up.

i hate the way i feel right now.

it's so pathetic.

completely unreasonable and immature.

Anything

put your hand in mine
we'll get out of here together
leave it all behind for good
lets show them that we're better
make a statement, leave our mark
take a chance to make it farther

you've got pretty words
but actions speak louder
get up and do something
i'd do anything for you

but i'll never let you know

Let go

i wanna let go
scream at the top of my lungs
would you save me if i needed it
would i have to ask for help
i'm an accident waiting to happen
a time bomb with seconds left
duck and cover, save yourself
the shrapnel won't leave any survivors
just let me go

dreaming

there are so many things i'd like to say
but no time to put the thoughts to words
would you take the time to listen
if i took the time to write things down
would time stand still and frowns disolve
i wish i was dreaming

young and depressed

the plan was always for stef and i to move in together.
for a little while i was beginning to think she wanted rid of me altogether.
now she's talking about taking care of her dad.
she thinks it would be cool for us to get apartments in the same building.
maybe she doesn't hate me.

the thing that's always bugged me, is im always the one coming up with the plans in this relationship. if i left it up to her we'd never spend any time together.

sometimes thinking about her makes me cry, even when i'm happy.

i feel blank a lot lately. i want to cut but i haven't. for me this is a sign that i'm weak. why.

if

if you were i and i were you
would you love i like i love you

gone in a flash

there's a full mood hanging behind your head
warping my view of your angel eyes
you're black on white and cleancut angles
i'll wrap you in my arms to feel my heart beat
never thought i'd admit to being weaker than you
i hate the way you push me away when i'm at my weakest
can you see my heart break everytime you do
i should lie down if only to calm the pounding in my head
haven't slept since the day you first hated me
will you sing me to sleep one last time
as i take this cocktail of drugs and alcohol

false hope

it's begining to seem like the people on the street
know me better than those that i've known since first beat
your eyes are sad like heart break moons
but your smile is wide like happy loons
i don't know what to believe these days
living like this certainly never pays
open up your book of secrets and write inside
of all the times you closed your eyes and lied
told her that she was bright like morphine
kissed her right before you got mean
left her on her own below the sea line
she will always smile and say she's just fine
but you know better, better than she knows
look at the way you see the river flows
the angel knows your deepest secret
you need to find someone to be your outlet
i'm going to leave you here like you left me
how could you dare to leave me be
remember when i said to you
that i loved you and could you love me too?
she'll always leave the backdoor open
false hope for the way it was back then
if only you knew what hope could do

why

i can't help but feel sick inside/every time i look at you/i love you, i love you, i do/it's a battle i cannot win/you're a part of me that i can't loose/not sure if i'd want to, givin the chance/if you love me at all/you'll set me free from your grasp/keep quiet now it'll be over soon/just one more push and i'll be over the edge/give me one more reason to take a leap/i'll thank you later, after you've gone/you never hear me anyway//i'm sorry i'm not the one you want/it's your fault but i'll always be the one/to apologise for the mistakes you've made/do you love me even a little bit/i've never asked for much i thought/just a smile when i'm feeling down/a hug when i can only seem to frown/that's too much and i'm sorry i asked//i just wanna sleep for days and days/get over you and on with me/can't have you for what it's worth/they keep looking at me like they know/someone shield me from their stares/it's burning holes through my shallow skin/wish i could die and not come back again/but i'm not strong enough to take my life/hiding behind these false expressions/i'll wait for someone to see through the crowd/wish it was you once in a while

i can't help but feel sick inside, every time i look at you

apparently Michelle thinks i'm in love with Stefani.

i would laugh if it weren't so absurdly possible.

i've decided i'm going to get over this, retarded little crush. i'm not going to ask for a hug anymore, i'm not going too sit to close to her, i'm not going to do anything clingy. i'm can't and i won't.

i'll become a reclusive little shell and only leave my apartment to go to work.

last goodbye

i can feel the pieces of my heart
they're tearing me apart
the tears are slowly leaving trackmarks
all along my face
i'm sorry i wasn't what you wanted
it's my fault that i thought you cared
remember that i never blame you
this is my last goodbye.

heartbreak

i wonder if Stefani can see my heart break everytime she makes a face when i ask for a hug.
i get that she doesn't like hugs.
i don't like them either.
i don't let anyone hug me.
but she's differant.
she's everything.
and she's breaking my heart.

i feel like i need to let off some steam but idk what about.
my whole life has been like that.
feeling the pressure build and not knowing how to relieve it, just waiting for it to explode.
ugh.
you know what i don't understand?
how come rappers get all the recognition when all they do is talk in a rhythm.
they have people behind them that sing and play the music and stuff but because they apparently have god given rhythm they get the awards and their name on the cover.
if they write the words i suppose they're aren't totally in the wrong, but still.
they should be considered part of a band, not a singular artist.
*sigh* idk anymore. i can't show true emotion when i want to.

I'm An American Teen

i'm one shot down idea away
from rocking back and forth in the fetal position
and your cynical outlook isn't helping me any
i'm trying really hard to keep my head above water
but you're pulling on my ankle and you're dragging me under
what a day in the life of an american teen

my music is the only thing that's keeping me sane
i'm plugged into my ipod like it's heaven on earth
head bangin' gets weird looks but i don't care either way
walking down the street i'm singing Adam and Andrew
cause everyone loves to listen to the lesbian song
haha just kidding, i'd rather read me some slash

clothes are more than just a statement it's about who you are
studded belts and black nail polish are at the top of my list
and don't let me forget about my converse all stars
i wear my shirts tight and my jeans even tighter
put a hoodie over that and you've got me in a nut shell
and don't even get me started bout the way i wear my hair

but most important to me is the fuckin eyeliner
or if you're a guy you just might call it guyliner
everyone looks awesome with some black around their eyes
add some neon eyeshadow and you're ready to rock
draw some hearts stars and swirls and you've hit the top
you're special and unique and you know how to show it

if there's one thing i hate it's them lame homophobes
there's nothing wrong with being gay cause love is love anyway
kiss a guy, kiss a girl, it doesn't matter to me
if you're in love and you are happy then i'm happy for you
all you haters keep your mouths shut cause we don't wanna hear it
this isn't a democracy, you don't get an opinion


EDIT: i must have been drunk when i wrote this. it's... waaaay out of character for me... and it scares me a little. xD

There Is No Happy Ending

i'm not here for you
i'm here to wish upon a star
yes that one over there
i'm wishing for a happy ending
it'd be nice if you came too

there's a girl who lives inside my head
her smile is like a blooming rose
her eyes hold dreams and happy themes
and she's everything i wish i was
but i'm not anything like her

if i could pick a day to say
to you the words i feel today
i'd wait until you felt the same
so we could both win at this game
but life is never quite that fair

Crazy

let's pretend today never happened
so we can go back to the way
things are supposed to be
i'm somewhere in between
being dead and feeling alive
you're the only one who ever
made me feel like i could fly

it's a long road to where you find yourself
are you sure you wanna make that trip alone
i'd wait forever and a day
to here you say you wanna be with me
don't listen to a word i say
crazy people can't be trusted
and i'm crazy in love

the last person

i've reached a point where i don't think i have a good reason to go on.
no ones ever made me feel like i had a reason to live.
the ones i love never love me back.
i'm always alone in the way i feel.
is that the way it's supposed to be?
are you supposed to love someone who doesn't love you back?
does that teach you something?
to never fall in love becuase they will never care as much as you do.
i believe i'm destined to always care too much.
if stefani can't even love me back what hope do i have that anyone else will.
i live in constant fear that she'll find out how i feel and judge me for it.
she'll hate me.
although i'm not sure that she doesn't already.
i hate myself.
i hate myself enough for 5 people.
but the last person i wanted to hate me was her.

It's All In The Way You Breathe

i wish there was a time
a better time for me to be alive
with underwater orchestras
and cellos singing lullaby's
a time for love and happiness
where you loved me like i love you

but you're in love
with somebody else
and that makes me cry
cause you deserve better
and i'm not the one

i wish there was a day
a better day for me to fall in love
with flying fish that love to sing
and turtles making playdoh hearts
a day for rainbow smiles and laughs
where you loved me like i love you

but you're in love
with somebody else
and that makes me cry
cause you deserve more
and i'm not the one

i wish there was a moment
a better moment to believe
with smiling elves and unicorns
and fairies dancing on the wind
a moment where we both believed
that happy endings could come true

but you're in love
with somebody else
and that makes me cry
cause you deserve more
and i'm not the one

i suck at writing lyrics

i wanted you to know
that i'd never leave you
but you're already leaving me
and i'm lost and confused
with no way of knowing
which way is up and which is down

so i'm just floating
suspended in thin air
weightless and alone

take my hand now
let me know you're here
i've been waiting for you
and i'm not sorry
but i need you here with me
but i am still alone

Utter Scrutiney

there's a girl in the corner
who knows everything
and she's staring at you
like she's got nothing better to do
is it making you nervous
are you starting to squirm
she's looking right through
to your soul and beyond

there's a boy on the street
who can't seem to breathe
and he's looking to you
like you've got nothing better to do
is it making you nervous
are you starting to squirm
he's begging for you
to come and save him

there's a child like you
who's lost and confused
and they're looking to see
if you're there with them too
is it making you happy
are you starting to live
you've both gone to heaven
and it's all in the words

tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that i can't say

if i had the chance to tell stefani eveything without consequence would i do it?

do i really want things to change?

i mean i do, i know i do

i want Michelle to go away and i want to be able to spend more time with stefani but...

do i want things to change that way?

i almost think maybe i wouldn't.

i'm a coward that way.

it's better to never know if maybe she loved me back then to take a chance and loose it all.

i'd never be good at gambling.

nightcapade

if my life was a video game i think they'de call it Nightcapade.

and the object of the game would be to make it through the maze of homework and messy rooms and rude people and parents and shit until you collected all the cd's and then find the end which would be a safe haven of internet and bands and best friends and music and happiness.

yup.

it'd be 4 like, old school nintendo too.

cause it doesn't get much better than that.







rollercoaster dreams and river rapid nightmares

everybody knows that no one cares

if you are drowning in your sleep

they just want you to take the leap

off the edge of your proverbial cliff

but you can't, your body's stiff



stay awake if only in dreamlands

listen to their unresonable demands

go ahead and prop your eyelids open

this isn't quite the life that you'd been hoping

i fly, fall and falter

i thought Michelle was going to be out of the picture but apparently i was wrong.
"she's getting better"
fucking hell!
i don't fucking want her to get the fuck better!
i want her to fucking go away!
she's ruining my life. everyday is hell with her there and i can't stand it.
i want things to be just me and stef.
am i really so selfish to want that?

i try to fly but i fall
roll and stumble
you're not there to catch me
with you i'm soaring
here, now, i'm faltering
come back to the way we were

to lose yourself in a dream

i've been a lot happier lately then i used to be.
maybe it's because stefani is getting sick of michelle so i don't feel like i have to fight to get stefani to notice me.
i feel like things are getting back to the way they should be.
and i'm glad.

on letting go

i can't think of anything to write yet but i'm sure that i'll think of something.
i'm never free of things to rant about.
i haven't talked to stefani since friday.
i miss her. but hate that i do.
2 days and i already miss her.

i'm working on a story.
i'm not going to post it until i'm finished though.
maybe i'll actually finish this one.
it's about a girls battle with anorexia.
maybe it's about my battle with anorexia, but this girl will get it right.
she'll loose the weight.
maybe she'll loose to much, but she'll loose it.
and eventually someone will make her feel beautiful and she'll get better.
i wish that would happen to me.
i want to know what beautiful feels like.
i want to know what loved feels like.

wtf???

there's a rumor that Pete and Ashlee are engaged and she announced it on the Sauce.
i can find no record of it.
therefore i choose not to believe it.

what i ate today:
curly fries
salad with French dressing and sunflower seeds
fruit and tofu smoothie
bagel with refried beans and hummus
rice and tofu/vegetable stirfry
tortilla with refried beans, hummus, and salsa.

i'm a pig.
i really need to stop eating at school.
i'm bringing leftover stirfry for lunch tomorrow.
i shouldn't have eaten the bagel or the fries today.
that would have been better.

i borrowed cd's from Sam so now i have both Paramore cd's
i was so exausted i was falling asleep while reading at 7 and now it's 2:30 and i'm fine.
i don't understand.

Tasha and i were talking about tattoos on the bus today.
my first tattoo will either be a circle of Tim Burton bats around my ankle or
"the best part of believe is the lie" around my right wrist.
after that it'll be a free for all lol
i want:
two bass clef's arranged in the shape of a heart on the inside of my left wrist with a bar of music from a Fall Out Boy song finishing the circle around my wrist
a spider web with a nautical star in the middle
something Jack and Sally related
a cresant moon facing to the right with a star in the center on my ankle
a cobra wrapped around my upper right arm with Cobra Starship written into the scales
the keyhole design from From Under The Cork Tree
a bartskull/clandestine bat
2*2R on my left side above my hip with a nightsky background
vampire bat on left shoulder
wings on back
(and more to come)
i'm going to wait for stef to turn 18 so we can get our first tattoos together.

somedays i feel like she's just my best friend and we'll always be just like we are now only with the edition of S.O.'s and children and somedays it feels like so much more. those are the days when it feels short term, like everything right and happy with the world is going to end. or at least sometimes, sometimes they feel ok.

Sarah got her cell phone and we've been texting almost constantly since Monday night.

omg monday night.
i spent the night at stef's and i've never felt like life was so perfect before. we were happy, both of us. we watched the FOB dvd's and fangirled over every little thing and i dyed her hair and we were goofy and just, happy. i wish everyday was like that.
maybe when we move away from all the people who drag us down our lives will be like that all the time. i really hope so. and i hope she was as happy that day as i was.

i'm sorry, next time.

i fucking hate closeminded asswipes.
if i want to be a fucking vegan than i can be a fucking vegan and i don't know why they feel the need to put their fat noses in.
rawr.
and Michelle needs to back the fuck off.
she's abusive and controlling and pisses me off.
i can't handle the people around me.
Calista Megan and Stefani are like the only people that i can stand.
Rose is pushy and overbearing.
Michelle's a bitch.
everyone else are just plain assholes.
and i can't handle this battle with myself over food.
i eat when i'm happy.
and i don't want to eat.
so i perpetually force myself to be upset so i don't over eat.
or eat at all.
i'm going to start skipping lunch.
i can't eat that school crap.
i hate myself.

i don't wanna fall to pieces

why is it that the things that make you happy are also the things that make you sad?

stefani just asked me that. i have an acutely painful understanding of exactly what she means. because as happy as she makes me, i can't look at her without being a little sad. I hate it when she's sad. she still likes Mike and Ben. and she still likes Nick. i know she has no idea how much that hurts me. i thought i was done feeling like this but obviously i'm not. I hate that i get jealous of the guys she likes. i have no right. no reason. but i do anyway. when she's sad i think it hurts me worse then when i'm sad. her dad didn't come up again. she doesn't really show it but i know it hurts her. I just wish i could save her from all of this. all the shit that she has to deal with. i'd gladly die a thousand times over just to see her smile once. she deserves so much more than she has. i hate that i feel like this. that i'm the only one that feels like this and the only one that will never have her. or at least it feels like i'm the only one that feels like this. cause if someone else did, if a GUY did, they'd have a chance, so why aren't they taking it? i hate them. whoever they are i hate them more than i've ever hated anyone else in my entire life. they have a chance at happiness and i don't. i even hate Patrick a little, because she feels about him the way i want her to feel about me and he doesn't even want it. he's never done anything special for her. not specifically for her. and yet she loves him. she loves him for almost no reason and without expecting anything in return. i don't expect anything form her. but oh do i wish it. i told her someday i'd show her this blog. maybe someday i'll be able to admit that i fell in love with my best friend. maybe someday i'll be able to admit that i'm bi. maybe someday, when the risk of heartbreak is gone, i'll let her know how i felt in high school. fuck. my life is so fucked. i kind of wish that i'd gone to the dance, just so stef wasn't so alone. i feel horrible now. but i guess now she understands why i never go. now she knows what it's like to watch all the people you love/d happy with someone else. it leaves a tight feeling in your chest. like someone is applying steady pressure on your lungs, trying to squeeze the air out. like someone reached into your chest and wrenched out part of your heart, leaving the rest to throb painfully and bleed everywhere. but i didn't want her to know what that felt like. i hate that i can't protect her from getting hurt. but if nobody ever got hurt what would the point in living be? i'd like to just hold her and tell her i'm sorry for everything and anything, or even just hold her and not say a word. but she'd never let me do that. i'm not allowed to. she doesn't like it when people touch her, so i don't. i stand next to her and pretend i'm not aching to reach out and just brush one finger against her cheek. i've always wondered what she'd do if i kissed her on the cheek. maybe someday i will. it will more than likely be spur of the moment and easily forgotten. at least for her. but not for me. i could never forget something like that. not something i've thought about and dreamed about and imagined more times than i could say.

where do you cross the fine line between love and obsession and when does obsession become a sin?

I looked away

then I look back at you,

You try to say

the things that you can't undo,

If I had my way

I'd never get over you,

Today's the day

I pray that we make it through.

Make it through the fall,

Make it through it all.

And I don't wanna fall to pieces

I just wanna sit and stare at you.

I don't wanna talk about it

And I don't want a conversation

I just wanna cry in front of you.

I don't wanna talk about it

'Cause I'm in love with you.

You're the only one

I'd be with till the end.

When I come undone

you bring me back again.

Back under the stars,

Back into your arms.

And I don't wanna fall to pieces

I just wanna sit and stare at you.

I don't wanna talk about it

And I don't want a conversation

I just wanna cry in front of you.

I don't wanna talk about it

'Cause I'm in love with you.

Wanna know who you are,

Wanna know where to start,

I wanna know what this means.

Wanna know how you feel,

Wanna know what is real.

I wanna know everything... Everything.

I don't wanna fall to pieces

I just wanna sit and stare at you.

I don't wanna talk about it

And I don't want a conversation

I just wanna cry in front of you.

I don't wanna talk about it.

And I don't wanna fall to pieces

I just wanna sit and stare at you.

I don't wanna talk about it

And I don't want a conversation

I just wanna cry in front of you.

and I don't wanna talk about it

'Cause I'm in love with you.

I'm in love with you,

'Cause I'm in love with you.

I'm in love with you,

I'm in love with you.

Fall To Pieces - Avril Lavigne

I'm Taking You With Me

I made a habit

Of never making promises

That aren't easy to keep

And there you have it

But now I'll make you one that is

To keep you here with me

But as every second that goes by

I feel it's just a waste of time

If I'm not with you

If home is where the heart is

Then my home is where you are (my home is where you are)

But it's getting oh so hard

To spend these days

Without my heart

So I'm taking you with me

Anywhere that I

Could ever wanna be

For the rest of my life

I want you there with me

And if there ever comes a time

When I should have to leave

I hope you know that I

I'm taking you with me

And so I'm trying

To hold it all together and

Make it through the day

When I'm just dyin'

To drop it all and take your hand

So we can run away

from all the miles and the hours

That seem to endlessly devour

The time that I could be with you

If home is where the heart is

Then my home is where you are (my home is where you are)

It's getting oh so hardTo spend these days

Without my heart

So I'm taking you with me

Anywhere that I

Could ever wanna be

For the rest of my life

I want you there with me

And if there ever comes a time

Where I should have to leave
I hope you know that I

I'm taking you with me

Every second that goes by

Is one more second of my life

And it couldn't be more clear

That I would die without you here

And every second that goes by

Is one more second of my life

And it couldn't be more clear

I'm dying without you here

Yeah every second that goes by (yeah every second that goes by)

So I'm taking you with me

Anywhere that I

Could ever wanna be

For the rest of my life

I want you there with me

And if there ever comes a time

Where I should have to leave

I hope you know that I

I'm taking you with me

I'm Taking You With Me - Relient K

i'm not sure if i even have to write anything at all tonight.
cause that song says it all.
maybe someday i'll make a mixed cd with all the songs i used to describe how i feel about her.
whether or not i'll have the balls to give it to her is a different story.

lips for biting

there's something about The All-American Rejects that gives me this feeling i can't explain.
i think i'll always associate them with a certain time in my life where i think i can honestly say i was happy.
sophmore year i think.
i miss it.
the happiness.
it was genuine. it lasted. it wasn't momentary.

You don't have to move, you don't have to speak

lips for biting.

You're staring me down, a glance makes me weak

eyes for striking

Now I'm twisting up when I'm twisted with you

brush so lightly

and time trickles down, and I'm breathing for two

squeeze so tightly.

I'll be fine, you'll be fine.

this moment seems so long

Don't waste now, precious time

we'll dance inside the song

[Chorus]

What makes the one to shake you down?

Each touch belongs to each new sound

Say now you want to shake me too

Move down to me, slip into you

She sinks in my mind as she sheds through her skin

touch sight tastes like fire

hands do now what eyes no longer defend

hands to fuel desire

I'll be fine, you'll be fine

this moment seems so long

Don't waste now, precious time

we'll dance inside the song

[Chorus]

Ooo, ah [x8]

And I'll be fine, you'll be fine

Is this fine? I'm not fine

Give me pieces, give me things to stay awake (stay awake)

[Chorus x2]

Move down to me, slip into you

this song makes me thing of Stefani.

the conflicting emotions make my stomach swirl and my head ache but it doesn't matter. because it makes me think of Stefani. she could do her worst, and i'd still love her. i've never really understood why people put up with the shit that their bf or gf gives them but i think i do now. because if you truly love them, you don't care. because you've seen part of them that you just can't live without and no matter what they do you can't help but keep loving them. so even though sometimes i feel like Stefani just puts up with me, like she doesn't really want me around, like she'd rather be alone, i'll still always love her. i'll always be there for her. it's unconditional. it doesn't matter. if she told me she hated me and then picked up and left i'd still love her. if she called a few years later and needed me i'd be there. if she treated me like shit once i got there, i'd stick around. not that she would do that, cause i don't think she would, but if she did. I'm not sure if it's that she doesn't understand or if she doesn't think she deserves it or what. the whole point of unconditional is that it doesn't matter whether she deserves it or not. i'm going to love her anyway. maybe someday i'll love her differantly. maybe the love will change, but it will always be there. she will always be the most important thing in my life. i can't imagine life without her.

i hate the way your nose burns when you're trying not to cry.

on a rainy monday

lets play the 'have you ever' game.

have you ever wanted it to end
have you ever just needed a break
have you ever made a mistake
have you ever wanted to take it back
have you ever needed someone
have you ever loved someone
have you ever cried over someone
have you ever haed yourself
have you ever cut yourself
have you ever caused yourself pain
have you ever tried to keep it all inside
have you ever wanted to tell
have you ever actually told
have you ever regreted it afterwards
have you ever had a good day
have you ever had a nightmare
have you ever wished it was easier
have you ever hated yourself
have you ever hated the one you loved
have you ever slept all night
have you ever stayed up all night
have you ever just wanted a hug
have you ever been afraid to ask
have you ever wished things were differant
have you ever loved the wrong person
have you ever wished you didn't
have you ever been crushed
have you ever needed to cry
have you ever not been able to
have you ever just wanted to be loved back?

lunar eclipse

today was awesome.
a lot of recently has been awesome.
idk what it is but for like a week my life has sucked only to the mildest degree.
and yet i'm still not happy.
not really.
i talked to Carla!!!
*dances*
i miss her :[
but i'll probably see her on saturday
*dances some more*
cause there's no way in hell i'm going to that dance.
*shakes head* nuh uh.
i'm going to Sam's.
cause sam is way awesomer.
yes. it's a word.

the long kiss goodnight

ack! stef gave me the link to her xanga and i couldn't read it.
there's no way i'd let her read my blog so why should i be able to read hers?
doesn't seem fair.
but i so desperately WANT her to read it.
i want her to read and understand and have everything be ok.
but it wouldnt' be. it would be gutwrenching and horrifying and life threatening.
oh god what i would give to be able to tell her everything and have it work like a fanfiction.
why can't life be like a story and have a happy ending. even if the middle sucks a happy ending would be nice.
i kinda neglected this for a little bit. which mades no sense cause i had days off school... maybe the stress makes me write more? idk. but today was amazing. Stefani blew off Michelle to hang out with me. ME. when does this happen? never. i miss her so much. i miss how we used to be. before michelle. or maybe we weren't any differant. maybe Michelle is just making it more obvious. she still never says she loves me. the closest she's ever come is what she just said. i said "love you buddy." and she said ":) you too" it's usually "ily" which, i believe i've covered before. i hate that she can't say that she loves me. why do i have to love her so much if she can't love me back? am i unlovable? is that what my problem is? i've had a sexuality crisis (which still isn't resolved) an identity crisis (which may never be resolved) and a pre mid life crisis (which is pretty much on-going). i'm just one giant crisis with no end in sight. maybe i should just make it all stop. would it help? would she be better off without me? i'd like to think she needs me at least a little bit as much as i need her but it's unlikey. she doesn't let herself need anyone. maybe i'd be better off loving someone else. but i don't WANT to love anyone else. i want her. i'm pretty sure i could settle for super close friends. the kind that are ok with kisses and cuddling. i just want her to love me, is that such a bad thing? am i being punnished for something i don't understand?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
i will never understand why i'm not allowed to be happy. why for some reason the fates have decided that i'm not to have a soul mate. maybe i'm just not being patient enough. but why would i be allowed to fall for someone if they weren't my soul mate?
what am i talking about?! soul mate?!
she's my best friend not my soul mate!
goddammit! i can't take this!
i can't fall for my best friend, i'm not even bi, let alone a lesbian.
at least i don't think.
oh god just end it. just someone kill me so i don't have to over think this shit. i'm done over thinking. i don't want to think anymore. i want it to stop.
i'm going to be completely selfish for a few minutes.
i want to feel loved.
i want to feel beautiful.
i want to be needed.
i want to be held.
i want someone to play with my hair and kiss my forehead.
i want the them to let me curl up with them when i can't sleep
i want them to sing to me
i want them to wipe away my tears and assure me that they will always love me.
i want them to hold my hand even around their jerkwad friends.
i want them to run their fingers across my face and by way of explination say 'i want to memorize every inch of your face so i never forget it.'
i want them to think i'm beautiful even though i'm not.
beautiful on the inside and full of amazing ideas and ambition.
i want them to encourage me to pursue my dreams.
i want them to randomly kiss me, just because they can.
because it makes them feel good too.
i want to make someone feel good just by being myself.
i want to make someone take that second look that changes everything.
i want them to hold me and wrap me in a blanket and whisper in my ear about things that matter only to us.
i want love like in the Notebook.
i want to find the Noah to my Allie.
the Peter Pan to my Wendy.
the peanut butter to my jelly.
the cheese to my macaroni.
the cheese to my macaroni.
the cheese to my macaroni.
i've called Stefani that before.
STOP!
Enough!
you can't!
you can't you can't you can't!!
I HATE MYSELF! i hate myself and nothing can change my mind except maybe that nonexistant person i just discribed.
just my luck my soul mate is non-existant.

story

nothing ever goes the way you planand
i have to say i'm not a fan
of the way my life is going now
you've always said everything will be alright
but i can't help but think of ending it tonight
i always doubt myslef even in the best times
nobody should have to feel this way
i'd like to tell you a story if i may
about a girl who was just so in love
but knew that she was all alone
and so she picked up the telephone
and said, i love you, please don't cry
I know you'll miss me but you'll be fine
don't focus on the crimson line
look at my face, i'm happy now
and hanging up she took the blade
breathed in deep and quickly made
one deep line upon each wrist
both a promise, neither kept
I promise that we'll be forever
I'll never leave you, cross my heart

urg.

valentines day sucks.
i have a headache.
my life sucks.

Under Pressure

David Bowie and Freddie Mercury are too amazing for words.

peta2

i am a proud peta member as of yesterday.
it's exhilerating to say the least.
i also went vegan at 4am this morning.
read too many articals on the dairy industry.
*shudders* dairy cows are NOT happy cows...
i get cool stickers though!!
i wanna table at a concert someday.
we'll see what the next ferris concert is.

post secret

i'm making a post card to send to Post Secret.
maybe someday stef will see it and know.
maybe she won't hate me.

i'll be just fine, pretending i'm not.

i feel like everyone else in the world is out doing something fun and i'm stuck here doing nothing like the lame geek that i am.
it's unfair how seriouly lame my life is.
i get up.
if it's a school day, i go to school.
if not, it's probably 4 in the afternoon.
i get yelled at.
i get on the internet.
i check my mail.
i go to livejournal.
i read fanfiction.
i check Pete's blog.
i check my blog.
i listen to music.
i watch tv.
i go to bed.
it's probably 4 in the AM.
repeat.
urg.

aquafina

i want something fried.
french fries to be exact.
or there's that new pizza.
from Pizza Hut.
the crunchy cheesy crust pizza.
that sounds really good.
gah.

chloraseptic

i'm craving real food.
like... taco bell, or pancakes and hashbrowns, or some sort of noodle related thing, or fried zucchini... mmm.
i have bruises on the backs of my thighs from my computer chair.
i want a comfy one, with arm rests and a high back.
or carpet would be nice, my feet are freezing.
mom said that something came into Menards that i want and she got it.
but she didn't say what it was.
i want to know.
*makes a face*

i'm dying

k, so the cough from hades turned into a full blown sickness.
by lunch i had a fever and then i had the chills and then my body started to ache and i had sinus pressure and a headache.
i didn't have to babysit thank god.
but my family is terribly rude and refuse to believe i'm really sick.
they think it's all in my head.
that i want attention.
well fuck them all up the ass with shovel.
and i never got my college work done cause i fell asleep as soon as i got home and didn't wake up untill 2am.

*coughs up a lung*

the cough from hell has become the cough from hades.
and i have to babysit overnight tonight.
i may end up shooting those kids.
i need to finish my college work too.
ugh.

seems like joke

Life sort of just became one never ending day and night escapade when you didn't sleep. nothing really mattered. Everything you felt seemed to just get confusing. Every emotion felt the same and pretty soon, even hurting yourself seemed like a joke. - burnyourempire (livejournal)

i feel like they got into my head to write that line.

zoo station

i finally heard a song off of Achtung Baby just now.
i really like it, don' t know why i didn't listen to it earlier.
i want to co-write a story with stefani.
but she's in the middle of her own story that she can't seem to finish so how we're gonna write a story together i have no clue.
i have heartburn and a cough.
and my nose is runny.
and i forgot to take a shower last night so my hair is a little stringy and it looks awful.
i whine to much.
i don't really whine much to other people though so maybe it's ok that i whine here?
idk.

love at first note

so stef and i just had a conversation about love.
she sent me something that she wrote a few years ago about the meaning of love and i agreed with her 100% so i told her that i agreed and that i loved her. she said: lol, nice. ily2
in my opinion, ily is not the same as i love you.
it's a cheapened, substitute that basically means i like you strongly but i don't love you.
or maybe 'omg you're awesome'
just like i love you is not the same as i'm in love with you.
cause you can love your mom but you aren't in love with her.
being in love with someone is a whole other bucket of fish.
it comes with differant emotions, differant fears and insecurities.
so no stef, you don't love me. but i think i knew that.
maybe i understand, but that doesn't mean i'm ok with it.
why don't you love me?
is there something i could do differantly to make you love me?
cause i'd do anything.
maybe i'm crazy, but isn't that what love is?
i wish i could tell you this, but i'm afraid.
i'd rather live like this, where maybe you don't love me, but you don't hate me at least, then have to live without you.

*hack* *hack*

i have the cough from hell.
and Stefani cares more about Calista then me.

Stefani: i miss calista

Me: It's been two days!

Stef: i know.

Stef: after spending all day every day for a couple years its just weird without her.

isn't that how she's supposed to feel about me? that's how i feel about her. Sometimes i feel that way when she's been gone for a few hours. why can't she feel that way about me. why can't someone need me the way i need them. i need to be needed and i just wish that stefani needed me. the burning pain is back.

O_O

omg i'm reading New Moon (wonderful book, i love vampires) and i just figured out something amazing and i'm so excited i can't read fast enough. i'm gonna go read now.

happiness

i'm watching World News Now (the insomniac news) and they just did a piece on happiness.
apparently middle age is the time in you're life when you are the most unhappy.
if it gets worse then this i should just end it now.
i did agree with the part when they were talking about how happiness is forced upon is these days. everyone is under pressure to say they are happy even if they are not.
if only people would be more honest about whether they are truly happy or not. maybe then happiness wouldn't seem so fake.

the way you hear

have you ever listened to a song that you've heard a thousand times before and suddenly heard it differantly then before?
it can hit you pretty hard sometimes.

i'm a hermit with connections

i'm really starting to love this "sit in my room all day while being totally connected with the outside" thing.
i 've got book, my laptop, internet, the tv, a comfy place to sit/lay, warm blankets, music, the only thing i don't have within immediate reach is food but who needs that anyway.
and there was no school today, even better, i don't think we'll have school tomorrow either.
oh wait, tomorrow is today already. hehe

*sniffle* *cough* *cough*

i hate being sick.
but i got popsickles.

save me

i fall asleep each and everytime i blink
its a constant fight with the monsters in my head

lullaby

rest your head on a cloud my love
i'll sing you to sleep with the song of a dove
close your eyes and slip away
for now the faries are out to play
sleep my little sleepless one
let the music carry you
to a land that's always fun
where i'll be ever true to you
and you never have a reason to cry
no one would ever think to lie
it's your own personal neverland
so sleep my little sleepless one

livejournal

i wish the people who posted in the livejournal communities i read at would post more often. give me something to do at night when i can't sleep.

*fake sobs*

cheese and freaking rice!
how sappy can a movie possibly get?!?!?

it's 8pm, do you know where your children are?

someday i'm going to marry Mr. Darcy.

awesomesauce

wouldn't it be rad if Pete someday randomly read my blog?
yeah, that'd be tottally rad dude!!
dude it's a ninja chicken!!
omg i'm random
i want a popsickle
my nose hairs are burning right out of my nostrils.
stupid spicy food.
what the french, toast?! why is there nothing on tv?!
night mom!
PB&J!!
don't blame yourself lady, it's not your fault.
*sings to the tune of oh christmas tree*
oh television, oh television
how boring are your sho-ows
oh television oh television
how boring are your sho-ows
you promise me, enter-tain-ment
but nothing on, has any fun
oh television, oh television
how boring are your sho-ows
yeah thats right, i make up songs about crappy tv to the tune of christmas carols.
aren't i awesome?
yes i am.

ok, so when hallmark shows a hallmark movie they control the commercials too?
that's so boring...
they're all sappy and lame...
gah

can't take it

i'm just a prisoner to your every whim
keep me here to be your slave
i'm not sorry, for what i did
i'll do it again, just watch me

Freedom
it comes with a price
don't take it for granted
not everyone has it
they long for it

i'll run away
i won't stay here
you can't control me
not anymore

don't scream at me
i can hear you just fine
i just can't take it
i'm going to explode

i'm feeling pressured
you're pushing and pulling
my heart it is breaking
you're killing me

*sigh*

music creator isn't working on this laptop. theres no sound for some reason.
and i can't get my pictures off the disc i put them on.
and i can't install msn messenger.
idk what's wron but it's making me kind of mad. this is a brand new computer, it should work really well right?
well it's not. it's very upsetting.
i'll just have t keep trying.

(i haven't slept at all tonight)

*large goofy grin*

it feels weird to be able to have spontaneous fan-girly outbursts without having to explain myself.
it's awesome :D

whooo!!

i gots a laptop!!!!
it's so pretty!!!
i didn't post yesterday cause it was being a butt while i was installing software but w/e
it's an Acer.
not what i originally wanted but it's pretty awesome anyway.
tis beautiful.
now if only i could download msn messenger...

i ate

i had salad.
not bad i guess.
and then organic mac and cheese when i came home.
and just now some fat-free fig newtons.
it could be worse.

living alive

everyone deserves to feel alive
once in a great while
keep the pain in front
to distract me from reality
you could never handle this
my insecurities
keep telling yourself it's true
i'm not the one for you

fix me in 45

i can't let myself eat today.
not until i get home at least.
i cannot. eat. lunch.
i won't let myself.
i can't. i can't. i can't.
i'm so weak.
food is my greatest enemy, i hate myself.

lyricist

Taylor and Shannon hired me to be their lyricist.
i'm going to screw it up...
here's what i've got so far, Taylor likes it... but Taylor's a guy, he doesn't count.

away away, just wanna float away
dreams can only take you so far
and you've already crushed mine for me
you say your sorry till you're blue in the face
i've never liked that color on you anyway

you keep repeating those same words
living through all those same disasters
i'm not here to be your personal savior
just let me float away someday

i'm locked away in your treasure chest
keeping company with all your past mistakes
it's getting so crowded in here i can't breathe
your screwups are pressing in from all sides
please let me out so i can float away from here

you keep repeating those same words
living through all those same disasters
i'm not here to be your personal savior
just let me float away someday

now i need the thrid verse.
that's it.
i hope i can finish it and i hope they like it.

divorce

i applied for divorce from my computer today and apparently i can afford it :D
so this weekend i will be setting up residence with my new girlfriend :P
a dell laptop if i have my way.
i'm ecstatic!

R.I.P.

Heath Ledger passed away from what appears to have been an accidental drug over dose.
he was an amazing actor and will be missed.
R.I.P Heath.
and also, since i didn't have this blog before
R.I.P. Casey Calvert.

i'm your #10 with a bullet

apparently going to bed early gets me nowhere.
i still got up at 4pm
*sigh* (yes that's another one of those, i'm-so miserable-i need-to-sigh-for-no-reason sighs)
on an up note my hair smells good.
i love this shampoo.
it's sunsilk.
the purple kind.

i'm sleeping through my insecurities

i'm going to go to bed early today.
even though i feel the furthest thing from tired right now.
i have a movie to watch anyway.
tis 12:33.
i'm going to bed 4 hours early.

magic lube

have you ever noticed that in most slash fanfictions lube magically appears almost anywhere?
like seriously, who walks around with lube in the pocket of their uber tight girlpants? or keeps it in the drawer next to the couch?
cause yeah, all gay guys are just walking around looking for the next guy they're gonna screw.
but i suppose this is what puts the fiction in fanfiction.

but hey, if there are guys walking around with lube in their pockets all the better to prove that fanfiction isn't always completely fiction.

i suppose if i was a gay guy i might occasionally carry lube with me.
but i'm not a guy, nor am i gay (or am i? hahaha)

heterosexual guys carry condoms so why can't gay guys carry lube?

regardless, since when does anyone keep lube in their living room.


don't answer that, i might not want to know.

moans and groans

certain times of the day are more pleasant then others
right now i don't care, i just want to be in your arms
the air is constricting, it tightens and smothers
i'm not good at this, i can't seem to resist your charms

i won't say sorry

apparently he doesn't hate me.
bull shit.
it wouldn't matter if he was in love with me cause i'm not gonna say sorry.
i never did anything wrong. not once, but he always blamed me anyway.
and he made it so ridiculously hard to spend time with stefani.
her every waking moment was spent thinking of him and all i wanted was for her to care about me for a minute. but it was always about him.
and despite that i found myself falling for him.
but of course he didn't like me. not that way.
so he danced with Ji that night at Snowcoming. the dance i worked up the nerve to ask him to for a week only to find out he wasn't even going right before i asked him.
i was crushed understandably but i admit i reacted childishly.
i was embarrassed though. the first time i like a guy enough to want to go to school dance with them and he's not going.
except he did.
but not once did he talk to me.
and during the last slow dance he asked Ji.
she deserved it though. she was going back to Korea soon. she deserved a slow dance. but why him? why'd he have to crush me like that. the first time i'd ever cried over a guy and i hated that feeling.
so i just continued to ignore him, grinding all chances of any sort of relationship into dust.
and then he starts to treat Stefani like shit.
that ended it all. i wasn't gonna let him do that. nobody does that and gets away with it.
we still don't talk.
we walk on opposite sides of the hallway.
we avoid eye contact.
i hate him from a distance and as far as i knew he did the same.
he called me 'thing' when he was talking to Klu.
apparently "he only did that because you called him an asshole"
psh, you don't call anyone a thing.
i would never dream of calling another human being a thing no matter how much i loathed them.
asshole and thing are so far apart of the insult totem pole it's not even funny.
maybe if he would admit he was out of line all those times i'd reconcile.
but when have either of us ever apologised first?
it's been years. what are the chances of us ever being friends again?
absolutely none.