seems like joke

Life sort of just became one never ending day and night escapade when you didn't sleep. nothing really mattered. Everything you felt seemed to just get confusing. Every emotion felt the same and pretty soon, even hurting yourself seemed like a joke. - burnyourempire (livejournal)

i feel like they got into my head to write that line.

zoo station

i finally heard a song off of Achtung Baby just now.
i really like it, don' t know why i didn't listen to it earlier.
i want to co-write a story with stefani.
but she's in the middle of her own story that she can't seem to finish so how we're gonna write a story together i have no clue.
i have heartburn and a cough.
and my nose is runny.
and i forgot to take a shower last night so my hair is a little stringy and it looks awful.
i whine to much.
i don't really whine much to other people though so maybe it's ok that i whine here?
idk.

love at first note

so stef and i just had a conversation about love.
she sent me something that she wrote a few years ago about the meaning of love and i agreed with her 100% so i told her that i agreed and that i loved her. she said: lol, nice. ily2
in my opinion, ily is not the same as i love you.
it's a cheapened, substitute that basically means i like you strongly but i don't love you.
or maybe 'omg you're awesome'
just like i love you is not the same as i'm in love with you.
cause you can love your mom but you aren't in love with her.
being in love with someone is a whole other bucket of fish.
it comes with differant emotions, differant fears and insecurities.
so no stef, you don't love me. but i think i knew that.
maybe i understand, but that doesn't mean i'm ok with it.
why don't you love me?
is there something i could do differantly to make you love me?
cause i'd do anything.
maybe i'm crazy, but isn't that what love is?
i wish i could tell you this, but i'm afraid.
i'd rather live like this, where maybe you don't love me, but you don't hate me at least, then have to live without you.

*hack* *hack*

i have the cough from hell.
and Stefani cares more about Calista then me.

Stefani: i miss calista

Me: It's been two days!

Stef: i know.

Stef: after spending all day every day for a couple years its just weird without her.

isn't that how she's supposed to feel about me? that's how i feel about her. Sometimes i feel that way when she's been gone for a few hours. why can't she feel that way about me. why can't someone need me the way i need them. i need to be needed and i just wish that stefani needed me. the burning pain is back.

O_O

omg i'm reading New Moon (wonderful book, i love vampires) and i just figured out something amazing and i'm so excited i can't read fast enough. i'm gonna go read now.

happiness

i'm watching World News Now (the insomniac news) and they just did a piece on happiness.
apparently middle age is the time in you're life when you are the most unhappy.
if it gets worse then this i should just end it now.
i did agree with the part when they were talking about how happiness is forced upon is these days. everyone is under pressure to say they are happy even if they are not.
if only people would be more honest about whether they are truly happy or not. maybe then happiness wouldn't seem so fake.

the way you hear

have you ever listened to a song that you've heard a thousand times before and suddenly heard it differantly then before?
it can hit you pretty hard sometimes.

i'm a hermit with connections

i'm really starting to love this "sit in my room all day while being totally connected with the outside" thing.
i 've got book, my laptop, internet, the tv, a comfy place to sit/lay, warm blankets, music, the only thing i don't have within immediate reach is food but who needs that anyway.
and there was no school today, even better, i don't think we'll have school tomorrow either.
oh wait, tomorrow is today already. hehe

*sniffle* *cough* *cough*

i hate being sick.
but i got popsickles.

save me

i fall asleep each and everytime i blink
its a constant fight with the monsters in my head

lullaby

rest your head on a cloud my love
i'll sing you to sleep with the song of a dove
close your eyes and slip away
for now the faries are out to play
sleep my little sleepless one
let the music carry you
to a land that's always fun
where i'll be ever true to you
and you never have a reason to cry
no one would ever think to lie
it's your own personal neverland
so sleep my little sleepless one

livejournal

i wish the people who posted in the livejournal communities i read at would post more often. give me something to do at night when i can't sleep.

*fake sobs*

cheese and freaking rice!
how sappy can a movie possibly get?!?!?

it's 8pm, do you know where your children are?

someday i'm going to marry Mr. Darcy.

awesomesauce

wouldn't it be rad if Pete someday randomly read my blog?
yeah, that'd be tottally rad dude!!
dude it's a ninja chicken!!
omg i'm random
i want a popsickle
my nose hairs are burning right out of my nostrils.
stupid spicy food.
what the french, toast?! why is there nothing on tv?!
night mom!
PB&J!!
don't blame yourself lady, it's not your fault.
*sings to the tune of oh christmas tree*
oh television, oh television
how boring are your sho-ows
oh television oh television
how boring are your sho-ows
you promise me, enter-tain-ment
but nothing on, has any fun
oh television, oh television
how boring are your sho-ows
yeah thats right, i make up songs about crappy tv to the tune of christmas carols.
aren't i awesome?
yes i am.

ok, so when hallmark shows a hallmark movie they control the commercials too?
that's so boring...
they're all sappy and lame...
gah

can't take it

i'm just a prisoner to your every whim
keep me here to be your slave
i'm not sorry, for what i did
i'll do it again, just watch me

Freedom
it comes with a price
don't take it for granted
not everyone has it
they long for it

i'll run away
i won't stay here
you can't control me
not anymore

don't scream at me
i can hear you just fine
i just can't take it
i'm going to explode

i'm feeling pressured
you're pushing and pulling
my heart it is breaking
you're killing me

*sigh*

music creator isn't working on this laptop. theres no sound for some reason.
and i can't get my pictures off the disc i put them on.
and i can't install msn messenger.
idk what's wron but it's making me kind of mad. this is a brand new computer, it should work really well right?
well it's not. it's very upsetting.
i'll just have t keep trying.

(i haven't slept at all tonight)

*large goofy grin*

it feels weird to be able to have spontaneous fan-girly outbursts without having to explain myself.
it's awesome :D

whooo!!

i gots a laptop!!!!
it's so pretty!!!
i didn't post yesterday cause it was being a butt while i was installing software but w/e
it's an Acer.
not what i originally wanted but it's pretty awesome anyway.
tis beautiful.
now if only i could download msn messenger...

i ate

i had salad.
not bad i guess.
and then organic mac and cheese when i came home.
and just now some fat-free fig newtons.
it could be worse.

living alive

everyone deserves to feel alive
once in a great while
keep the pain in front
to distract me from reality
you could never handle this
my insecurities
keep telling yourself it's true
i'm not the one for you

fix me in 45

i can't let myself eat today.
not until i get home at least.
i cannot. eat. lunch.
i won't let myself.
i can't. i can't. i can't.
i'm so weak.
food is my greatest enemy, i hate myself.

lyricist

Taylor and Shannon hired me to be their lyricist.
i'm going to screw it up...
here's what i've got so far, Taylor likes it... but Taylor's a guy, he doesn't count.

away away, just wanna float away
dreams can only take you so far
and you've already crushed mine for me
you say your sorry till you're blue in the face
i've never liked that color on you anyway

you keep repeating those same words
living through all those same disasters
i'm not here to be your personal savior
just let me float away someday

i'm locked away in your treasure chest
keeping company with all your past mistakes
it's getting so crowded in here i can't breathe
your screwups are pressing in from all sides
please let me out so i can float away from here

you keep repeating those same words
living through all those same disasters
i'm not here to be your personal savior
just let me float away someday

now i need the thrid verse.
that's it.
i hope i can finish it and i hope they like it.

divorce

i applied for divorce from my computer today and apparently i can afford it :D
so this weekend i will be setting up residence with my new girlfriend :P
a dell laptop if i have my way.
i'm ecstatic!

R.I.P.

Heath Ledger passed away from what appears to have been an accidental drug over dose.
he was an amazing actor and will be missed.
R.I.P Heath.
and also, since i didn't have this blog before
R.I.P. Casey Calvert.

i'm your #10 with a bullet

apparently going to bed early gets me nowhere.
i still got up at 4pm
*sigh* (yes that's another one of those, i'm-so miserable-i need-to-sigh-for-no-reason sighs)
on an up note my hair smells good.
i love this shampoo.
it's sunsilk.
the purple kind.

i'm sleeping through my insecurities

i'm going to go to bed early today.
even though i feel the furthest thing from tired right now.
i have a movie to watch anyway.
tis 12:33.
i'm going to bed 4 hours early.

magic lube

have you ever noticed that in most slash fanfictions lube magically appears almost anywhere?
like seriously, who walks around with lube in the pocket of their uber tight girlpants? or keeps it in the drawer next to the couch?
cause yeah, all gay guys are just walking around looking for the next guy they're gonna screw.
but i suppose this is what puts the fiction in fanfiction.

but hey, if there are guys walking around with lube in their pockets all the better to prove that fanfiction isn't always completely fiction.

i suppose if i was a gay guy i might occasionally carry lube with me.
but i'm not a guy, nor am i gay (or am i? hahaha)

heterosexual guys carry condoms so why can't gay guys carry lube?

regardless, since when does anyone keep lube in their living room.


don't answer that, i might not want to know.

moans and groans

certain times of the day are more pleasant then others
right now i don't care, i just want to be in your arms
the air is constricting, it tightens and smothers
i'm not good at this, i can't seem to resist your charms

i won't say sorry

apparently he doesn't hate me.
bull shit.
it wouldn't matter if he was in love with me cause i'm not gonna say sorry.
i never did anything wrong. not once, but he always blamed me anyway.
and he made it so ridiculously hard to spend time with stefani.
her every waking moment was spent thinking of him and all i wanted was for her to care about me for a minute. but it was always about him.
and despite that i found myself falling for him.
but of course he didn't like me. not that way.
so he danced with Ji that night at Snowcoming. the dance i worked up the nerve to ask him to for a week only to find out he wasn't even going right before i asked him.
i was crushed understandably but i admit i reacted childishly.
i was embarrassed though. the first time i like a guy enough to want to go to school dance with them and he's not going.
except he did.
but not once did he talk to me.
and during the last slow dance he asked Ji.
she deserved it though. she was going back to Korea soon. she deserved a slow dance. but why him? why'd he have to crush me like that. the first time i'd ever cried over a guy and i hated that feeling.
so i just continued to ignore him, grinding all chances of any sort of relationship into dust.
and then he starts to treat Stefani like shit.
that ended it all. i wasn't gonna let him do that. nobody does that and gets away with it.
we still don't talk.
we walk on opposite sides of the hallway.
we avoid eye contact.
i hate him from a distance and as far as i knew he did the same.
he called me 'thing' when he was talking to Klu.
apparently "he only did that because you called him an asshole"
psh, you don't call anyone a thing.
i would never dream of calling another human being a thing no matter how much i loathed them.
asshole and thing are so far apart of the insult totem pole it's not even funny.
maybe if he would admit he was out of line all those times i'd reconcile.
but when have either of us ever apologised first?
it's been years. what are the chances of us ever being friends again?
absolutely none.

i don't obsess, i think intensely

this is me rambling about the top five things i obsess think intensely about.

5. books
oh where do i start. they're like a movie for the brain. only better, cause you don't have to share or listen to someones lame commentary. they take you away to someplace better. give you something to think about other then the crap that is currently consuming your life.

4. music.
omg music. what would i do without it. it's probably the second most important thing in my life (so why is it number 4? cause just because it's number 2 most important doesn't mean it's number 2 most thought intensely about) the way notes fit together and flow and come together so beautifully it just blows me away and then add lyrics (ones that really mean something) and it's just like. OMGWOW *has nerdgasm* yeah, that's right, nerdgasm, i went there.

3. Fall Out Boy.
my saviors. i love each and every one of them and all of their faults and perfections. they're all beautiful people, inside and out. and they make the most amazing music. Patrick has an orgasmic voice of gold, Pete has beautiful, meaningful lyrics, Joe is a guitar god (and has amazing hair), and Andy is an amazing drummer and has the most beautiful hair i've ever seen, seriously. oh and he's a vegan. can we say perfect? not to mention their music saved my life. i wouldn't be the same without them. never change guys, just be you, all the diehards love you no matter what.

2. Peter Wentz.
oh he's amazing. and not just cause he's hot (and oh is he hot *fans self*) but cause he's real. he hasn't let fame turn him into some clone. he's true to his music and his friends and his fans. and those that know that really appreciate it. and he makes beautiful music with his wonderful friends. (music is number 4 on this list, the fact that me makes music is very important) the only thing he's lacking? Patrick Stump - boyfriend. only gay above the waist eh? i'm doubting. but if he's happy with Ashlee so be it. i'm not one to judge. (but seriously, if you ever read this Pete, and if you are gay, and if you're bright enough to realise how in love you and Patrick could be, just go with it, the only thing you'll lose is the haters and who needs them anyway) and the tattoos!! gah! i don't know how else to say it, he's just, amazing.

5. Stefani.
without her i'd be nothing. just a pathetic emo loner. and probably dead. cause i have no social skills and no desire to live without her. sure Fall Out Boy would probably keep me alive for a little while but how much can people you've never met and never talked to (except that one time when i got Patricks autograph, i could have died happy at least) save you? it only lasts for so long. stefani is my star. if only she knew how important she truely is. maybe she'd stop putting her self down all the time. maybe she'd stop getting herself into all these weird relationships. maybe she'd stop cutting. maybe i'd stop cutting. maybe we'd run away together to escape the wicked witches that run our lives. but life isn't made of maybe's. cause maybe's are only temporary, pain is forever. and god knows we have enough of that.

the importance of oh

oh, the word oh.
it can add so much to a simple sentance.
for instance.
lets say you're writing a play. the main character is in mortal agony. instead of having him say
"The pain!" which, while to the point, doesn't really bring your point across, by simply adding 'oh' it can become an agonised, desperate plea for relief.
"Oh! The pain!"
see what i mean?

when placed at the beging of a song and stretched out to a rediculous length it can make the whole experiance that much more exciting.
for example
"let's name the zones, the zones, the zones, lets name the zones of the open sea"
boring yes?
how about now?
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Let's name the zones, the zones, the zones, lets names the zones of the open seeeeeeeaaaaa!"
much more enjoyable.

but don't forget.
never write a drawn out oh with to many o's
cause that's not oh its ooh.

sing to me a backwards lullaby

lips pressed where i can see them, feel them, always hear them
keeping distance through the lies you weave for me and only me
simplistic patterns and complicated colors woven to the beat of your heart
dry eyes form darkened sentences as chapped lips show no emotion
my alarm clocks rings at midnight, a reminder that i can't sleep without you
so sing to me a backwards lullaby
we'll fly away on a rainbow fish
and live together under the grass
cause i need someone to be there for me
and you need someone to rely on you
we'd make a perfect disaster you and me
i'll wait for you for one more day, one day that lasts on through forever
sitting here in my worn out shoes i'll stay a while to kill some time
there's no one around to listen to me so i'll save it all to say to you
when you get back from your neverland a vacation to a softer time
i never get to come along with you on all your lovely freedom trips
but that's ok i'm doing fine just waiting here for you to return to me

living life like i don't have a choice

so yesterday i went to post and my computer had a bitch fit and crashed.
we are currently no longer on speaking terms.
our lawyers are handling the custody battle for my documents, pictures and music.
i want a divorce but my budget won't let me.

my moves are hot (white hot)

so i still don't have my soc. work done.
i suck.
i'm gonna have to spend all tomorrow writting my essay.
went to the basketball game tonight.
we won. 52-40 (i think)
hung out with Ashlee mostly.
pretty awesome. *nods*
i just submitted my terms for soc.
i think i screwed them up.
no surprise there.

Be my ho' cause i'm your money maker

i don't like having to define terms in my own words.
it's dumb.
but yeah, idk what else to say.
except i suddenly have to pee like a russian race horse. lol.
school really sucks. i need the weekend.

i'm dying not to hurt you

VIVA LA COBRA CAME IN THE MAIL TODAY!!!!!
*dances*
i really really love this cd. like really.
so anyway, when i got home the package from amazon was here so i'm the proud owner of Viva La Cobra and the movie Stardust.
i put the cd on and took a nap right? and i told my sister to wake me up at 7:30 and she said she would.
i vaguely sorta remember someone telling me my mom was home but it wasn't anything that woke me up.
so what time do i wake up? 1:30AM.
i did get to see mom even though she's been gone for days.
i don't know why no one ever wakes me up when she comes home.
it's upsetting.
but i have Viva La Cobra, that makes everything better.

apple juice in the hall

i think i spend to much time posting on here and not enough time like, having a life.
but you know what.
i've only had this thing for like, three days.
i'm getting into the hang of things.
exactly.
oh you go ahead and tell yourself that.
i will.
my teeth hurt.
the back teef on the top on both sides.
it used to only be the back teeth on the right side but now they hurt on the left too.
i know why they hurt on the right side, cause my dentist is tarded.
but idk why they would randomly start hurting on the other side.

here i go
scream my lungs out and try to get to you
you are my lonely one
i let go
there's just no one, no one like you
you are my only, my only one

slow like daytime drama

i slept quite well last night.
i'm sure i'f i'd gone to bed earlier i would have gotten even more sleep but i was trying to finish writing something and i was on a roll.
i'm really thirsty.
that's what i get for brushing my teeth.
lol.
ever get the urge to sigh and not know why?
hey i'm a poet and i didn't even know it!
ok, really lame lol.
but seriously, i'm just really... miserable.
i think i need to spend some time with stef that's like, just spending time with stef and not stef and michelle or stef and ben.
ugh. i'm so dependant on her and i hate myself for it. what happens when we graduate and she doesn't want to be around me as much anymore? what happens if we "go different ways" and we doesn't get to see each other anymore? i need her to survive. one week thinking she was mad at me and i was reduced to a pathetic, self-destructive pile of self loathing. i need to feel like someone needs me. i need to be needed. and she doesn't act like she needs me. she doesn't need me as much as i need her. and that hurts.
everything hurts these days.

We're gonna shoot you

i am now squeaky clean, mildly hungry, rather cold, and very bored.
but we have no food, i'm too lazy to find a blanket, and there's nothing to do so... idk.

R.I.P. '!'

so, i can deny it no longer.
Panic! at the Disco is no more.
they are now, Panic at the Disco.
*sigh* it kinda takes out the uber awesome bit of zing their name had.
doesn't change how awesome they are of course.
just, takes the extra zing out of their name.
they are however headlining the 2008 Honda Civic Tour.
and have a new album coming out.
Pretty. Odd. (March 25th)
i'm pretty excited.
k, that was lame lol
i'm gonna go to that damn concert if i have to hijack a car to do it.
believe me for i do not tell a lie.

heartstrings

my sister (who apparently no longer hates me) is in the shower and has the radio on loud, so when Sugar, We're Going Down came on i could hear it quite well. naturally i started to sing along but when it got to the part where the music quiets down a tad and Patrick sings 'Drop a heart, break a name' i felt like someone had just ripped my heart out. it shot me back to sophmore year so fast my head was spinning. you can't imagine the memories that can be attached to a single song. I saw Joelle (when she was still going to school) all happy and singing along, i saw Stef right there next to her, both of them singing their hearts out cause dude, this is the most awesome song ever, how can you not wanna sing with Patrick? and i saw Nick, before he was an asshole, before i fucked it up, dancing with somebody else that night at homecoming right before i had to leave or risk making a total fool out of myself. I miss it. i miss what i was before i screwed up. i miss being happy.

ugh

so i've got this online college class about sociology.
and it's frying my brain cells.
it's only the second week.
i'm pathetic.
but really, you should see some of the things these kids are saying.
they're motherfucking geniuses.
i'm not cut out for college.
*sigh* someone come give me an awesome band/tour/photography related job and save me from my misery.
< /emo rant >
my light is possesed.
no really, it turns on and off by itself.
spooky.

hate is a strong word, but i really, really, really don't like you

apparently my sister wants to get online more.
i told her no, because being online is my thing, it's what i do, what else am i gonna do?
so she freaks the fuck out and starts screaming at me.
then she tells me she hates me and she can't wait for me to move out "the sooner the better"
i love you too sis.
but whatever, she's never been nice to me.
it's not like if she was online she'd let me on.

i've been thinking

stef just had a thought, and now it's causing me to have a thought.
someday our music is going to be the oldies.
and our kids are gonna groan when we listen to like, My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy cause we're so laaaaame.
it's a weird thought.
and if things happen the way i want them too they'll think the music we played was lame.
ugh, so unfair.

i can't live, with or without you

it's amazing.
the school's firewall thingy doesn't block blogger.
probably the most rediculous thing ever cause they block other things that they don't need to and not things they probably should. and considering their self-proclaimed anti-blog standing this should definately be blocked. but i'm glad it isn't.

it's hard to say "i do" when i don't

that song is stuck in my head.
i want to own it, but i don't have any money.
so i'll continue to sing it in my head.

I speak fast and I'm not gonna repeat myself
So listen carefully to every word I say:
"I'm the only one who's gonna get away with making excuses today,

You're appealing to emotions that I simply do not have"
Blackmailed myself
Cause I ain't got anyone else
"This is a stick up
Give us all your inspiration"
I've got the red carpet blues baby

so "Put your hands in the air and don't make a sound
But don't get the wrong idea
We're gonna shoot you
We're gonna shoot you
And there's nothing in your head or pocket, throat or wallet
That could change just how this goes
We're gonna shoot you
We're gonna shoot you

"When I said that I'd return to you I meant more like a relapse
Now again I think "His and Her's"
"For better or worse"
But the only ring I want buried with me are the ones around my eyes

"You're appealing to emotions that I simply do not have"
I've got the red carpet blues baby

so "Put your hands in the air and don't make a sound
But don't get the wrong idea
We're gonna shoot you
We're gonna shoot you
And there's nothing in your head or pocket, throat or wallet
That could change just how this goes"
And everyone shakes to the beat with a barrel down their throat

so "Put your hands in the air and don't make a sound
But don't get the wrong idea
We're gonna shoot you
We're gonna shoot you
And there's nothing in your head or pocket, throat or wallet
That could change just how this goes"
And everyone shakes to the beat with a barrel down their throat

But don't get the wrong idea
We're gonna shoot you
We're gonna shoot you

tired

another night of sleepless choices
oh sing me to sleep i pray
simple notes on angel voices
like magic keep the dark at bay

*sigh* pictures

stef has commandeered my memory card and is subsequently unloading it onto her computer. it has pictures of me. *rawr*
i hate having my picture taken.
and yet i'm always taking my own picture.
how ironic.
maybe it's cause then i can be sure i delete them if they look uber tarded.
which they usually do.

craziness

i just read an interview Pete did in May.
i wish i was in a band.
i want to tour.
just me and my friends and the crazy fans (if there are any)
it'd be amazing.
my dream come true.

you suck

i posted my poem-y lyric ramblings to my lj for stefani to read.
dude she's not stupid, she might actually understand.
lets hope she doesn't
you rely to much on hope
we've always known that, that's why i'm so pathetic


(yeah, i talk to my blog and it answers, isn't it amazing)

*grumbly face*

now that i've watched Persuasion (wonderful Jane Austen movie, you should watch it) and allowed myself time to cool down i feel i should retract my earlier statement about Michelle being a bitch. she's just... blind to other peoples feelings? idk. it just hurts. kinda just to the right of my heart and a bit lower. sort of a ripping burn. i want it to go away.

pain has a strange way of bringing even the strongest to their knees
keep her safe just for a little while and maybe you'll get to see her smile
sleepless nights bring poetic ramblings
sometimes it's better to be insane and know it
then to be sane and have no clue
that's how i feel when i'm with you

stalker!

sometimes i hate her. she's so rude and inconsiderate but she gets all upset when someone looks at her fucking crosseyed.
stef and i have been friends since we were like 5.
just cause that bitch lives closer to her does not make it ok for her to make me feel like the third wheel.
it is not. oh. kay.
i fucking miss her.
it doesn't matter even when she's sitting right next to me, i still miss her.
she's not the same, somethings differant and i hate it.
and ben's pulling at her.
she's getting farther and father away from me and it's his fault.
i can talk to her on the internet for hours and we'll be just fine but as soon as one of them are around i can feel the pull, i can feel the ever growing gap.
it hurts.

i am wide awake and the ticking of the clock is reverberating through my bones
each tick reminds me why i cannot sleep
tick. she's gone
tick. he's there
tick. i'm falling
tick. tick. tick.
someone save me.
come and save me from my own personal hell.
i relied on you and now you are not there.

death warmed over with a lot less sleep and crappy eyeliner

i'm off to stef's. senior pics to be taken. oh joy. wish i could spend the night. she's like my personal sleeping pill, i can only sleep with her.

hi... er... yeah...

so, i'm gonna give this a try.
other blogs just never really worked for me.
probably cause i let people i know read them and it ruined the diary like effect yes?