the long kiss goodnight

ack! stef gave me the link to her xanga and i couldn't read it.
there's no way i'd let her read my blog so why should i be able to read hers?
doesn't seem fair.
but i so desperately WANT her to read it.
i want her to read and understand and have everything be ok.
but it wouldnt' be. it would be gutwrenching and horrifying and life threatening.
oh god what i would give to be able to tell her everything and have it work like a fanfiction.
why can't life be like a story and have a happy ending. even if the middle sucks a happy ending would be nice.
i kinda neglected this for a little bit. which mades no sense cause i had days off school... maybe the stress makes me write more? idk. but today was amazing. Stefani blew off Michelle to hang out with me. ME. when does this happen? never. i miss her so much. i miss how we used to be. before michelle. or maybe we weren't any differant. maybe Michelle is just making it more obvious. she still never says she loves me. the closest she's ever come is what she just said. i said "love you buddy." and she said ":) you too" it's usually "ily" which, i believe i've covered before. i hate that she can't say that she loves me. why do i have to love her so much if she can't love me back? am i unlovable? is that what my problem is? i've had a sexuality crisis (which still isn't resolved) an identity crisis (which may never be resolved) and a pre mid life crisis (which is pretty much on-going). i'm just one giant crisis with no end in sight. maybe i should just make it all stop. would it help? would she be better off without me? i'd like to think she needs me at least a little bit as much as i need her but it's unlikey. she doesn't let herself need anyone. maybe i'd be better off loving someone else. but i don't WANT to love anyone else. i want her. i'm pretty sure i could settle for super close friends. the kind that are ok with kisses and cuddling. i just want her to love me, is that such a bad thing? am i being punnished for something i don't understand?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
i will never understand why i'm not allowed to be happy. why for some reason the fates have decided that i'm not to have a soul mate. maybe i'm just not being patient enough. but why would i be allowed to fall for someone if they weren't my soul mate?
what am i talking about?! soul mate?!
she's my best friend not my soul mate!
goddammit! i can't take this!
i can't fall for my best friend, i'm not even bi, let alone a lesbian.
at least i don't think.
oh god just end it. just someone kill me so i don't have to over think this shit. i'm done over thinking. i don't want to think anymore. i want it to stop.
i'm going to be completely selfish for a few minutes.
i want to feel loved.
i want to feel beautiful.
i want to be needed.
i want to be held.
i want someone to play with my hair and kiss my forehead.
i want the them to let me curl up with them when i can't sleep
i want them to sing to me
i want them to wipe away my tears and assure me that they will always love me.
i want them to hold my hand even around their jerkwad friends.
i want them to run their fingers across my face and by way of explination say 'i want to memorize every inch of your face so i never forget it.'
i want them to think i'm beautiful even though i'm not.
beautiful on the inside and full of amazing ideas and ambition.
i want them to encourage me to pursue my dreams.
i want them to randomly kiss me, just because they can.
because it makes them feel good too.
i want to make someone feel good just by being myself.
i want to make someone take that second look that changes everything.
i want them to hold me and wrap me in a blanket and whisper in my ear about things that matter only to us.
i want love like in the Notebook.
i want to find the Noah to my Allie.
the Peter Pan to my Wendy.
the peanut butter to my jelly.
the cheese to my macaroni.
the cheese to my macaroni.
the cheese to my macaroni.
i've called Stefani that before.
STOP!
Enough!
you can't!
you can't you can't you can't!!
I HATE MYSELF! i hate myself and nothing can change my mind except maybe that nonexistant person i just discribed.
just my luck my soul mate is non-existant.