stefani just asked me that. i have an acutely painful understanding of exactly what she means. because as happy as she makes me, i can't look at her without being a little sad. I hate it when she's sad. she still likes Mike and Ben. and she still likes Nick. i know she has no idea how much that hurts me. i thought i was done feeling like this but obviously i'm not. I hate that i get jealous of the guys she likes. i have no right. no reason. but i do anyway. when she's sad i think it hurts me worse then when i'm sad. her dad didn't come up again. she doesn't really show it but i know it hurts her. I just wish i could save her from all of this. all the shit that she has to deal with. i'd gladly die a thousand times over just to see her smile once. she deserves so much more than she has. i hate that i feel like this. that i'm the only one that feels like this and the only one that will never have her. or at least it feels like i'm the only one that feels like this. cause if someone else did, if a GUY did, they'd have a chance, so why aren't they taking it? i hate them. whoever they are i hate them more than i've ever hated anyone else in my entire life. they have a chance at happiness and i don't. i even hate Patrick a little, because she feels about him the way i want her to feel about me and he doesn't even want it. he's never done anything special for her. not specifically for her. and yet she loves him. she loves him for almost no reason and without expecting anything in return. i don't expect anything form her. but oh do i wish it. i told her someday i'd show her this blog. maybe someday i'll be able to admit that i fell in love with my best friend. maybe someday i'll be able to admit that i'm bi. maybe someday, when the risk of heartbreak is gone, i'll let her know how i felt in high school. fuck. my life is so fucked. i kind of wish that i'd gone to the dance, just so stef wasn't so alone. i feel horrible now. but i guess now she understands why i never go. now she knows what it's like to watch all the people you love/d happy with someone else. it leaves a tight feeling in your chest. like someone is applying steady pressure on your lungs, trying to squeeze the air out. like someone reached into your chest and wrenched out part of your heart, leaving the rest to throb painfully and bleed everywhere. but i didn't want her to know what that felt like. i hate that i can't protect her from getting hurt. but if nobody ever got hurt what would the point in living be? i'd like to just hold her and tell her i'm sorry for everything and anything, or even just hold her and not say a word. but she'd never let me do that. i'm not allowed to. she doesn't like it when people touch her, so i don't. i stand next to her and pretend i'm not aching to reach out and just brush one finger against her cheek. i've always wondered what she'd do if i kissed her on the cheek. maybe someday i will. it will more than likely be spur of the moment and easily forgotten. at least for her. but not for me. i could never forget something like that. not something i've thought about and dreamed about and imagined more times than i could say.
where do you cross the fine line between love and obsession and when does obsession become a sin?
I looked away
then I look back at you,
You try to say
the things that you can't undo,
If I had my way
I'd never get over you,
Today's the day
I pray that we make it through.
Make it through the fall,
Make it through it all.
And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just wanna sit and stare at you.
I don't wanna talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just wanna cry in front of you.
I don't wanna talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you.
You're the only one
I'd be with till the end.
When I come undone
you bring me back again.
Back under the stars,
Back into your arms.
And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just wanna sit and stare at you.
I don't wanna talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just wanna cry in front of you.
I don't wanna talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you.
Wanna know who you are,
Wanna know where to start,
I wanna know what this means.
Wanna know how you feel,
Wanna know what is real.
I wanna know everything... Everything.
I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just wanna sit and stare at you.
I don't wanna talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just wanna cry in front of you.
I don't wanna talk about it.
And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just wanna sit and stare at you.
I don't wanna talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just wanna cry in front of you.
and I don't wanna talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you.
I'm in love with you,
'Cause I'm in love with you.
I'm in love with you,
I'm in love with you.
Fall To Pieces - Avril Lavigne
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