wtf???

there's a rumor that Pete and Ashlee are engaged and she announced it on the Sauce.
i can find no record of it.
therefore i choose not to believe it.

what i ate today:
curly fries
salad with French dressing and sunflower seeds
fruit and tofu smoothie
bagel with refried beans and hummus
rice and tofu/vegetable stirfry
tortilla with refried beans, hummus, and salsa.

i'm a pig.
i really need to stop eating at school.
i'm bringing leftover stirfry for lunch tomorrow.
i shouldn't have eaten the bagel or the fries today.
that would have been better.

i borrowed cd's from Sam so now i have both Paramore cd's
i was so exausted i was falling asleep while reading at 7 and now it's 2:30 and i'm fine.
i don't understand.

Tasha and i were talking about tattoos on the bus today.
my first tattoo will either be a circle of Tim Burton bats around my ankle or
"the best part of believe is the lie" around my right wrist.
after that it'll be a free for all lol
i want:
two bass clef's arranged in the shape of a heart on the inside of my left wrist with a bar of music from a Fall Out Boy song finishing the circle around my wrist
a spider web with a nautical star in the middle
something Jack and Sally related
a cresant moon facing to the right with a star in the center on my ankle
a cobra wrapped around my upper right arm with Cobra Starship written into the scales
the keyhole design from From Under The Cork Tree
a bartskull/clandestine bat
2*2R on my left side above my hip with a nightsky background
vampire bat on left shoulder
wings on back
(and more to come)
i'm going to wait for stef to turn 18 so we can get our first tattoos together.

somedays i feel like she's just my best friend and we'll always be just like we are now only with the edition of S.O.'s and children and somedays it feels like so much more. those are the days when it feels short term, like everything right and happy with the world is going to end. or at least sometimes, sometimes they feel ok.

Sarah got her cell phone and we've been texting almost constantly since Monday night.

omg monday night.
i spent the night at stef's and i've never felt like life was so perfect before. we were happy, both of us. we watched the FOB dvd's and fangirled over every little thing and i dyed her hair and we were goofy and just, happy. i wish everyday was like that.
maybe when we move away from all the people who drag us down our lives will be like that all the time. i really hope so. and i hope she was as happy that day as i was.

i'm sorry, next time.

i fucking hate closeminded asswipes.
if i want to be a fucking vegan than i can be a fucking vegan and i don't know why they feel the need to put their fat noses in.
rawr.
and Michelle needs to back the fuck off.
she's abusive and controlling and pisses me off.
i can't handle the people around me.
Calista Megan and Stefani are like the only people that i can stand.
Rose is pushy and overbearing.
Michelle's a bitch.
everyone else are just plain assholes.
and i can't handle this battle with myself over food.
i eat when i'm happy.
and i don't want to eat.
so i perpetually force myself to be upset so i don't over eat.
or eat at all.
i'm going to start skipping lunch.
i can't eat that school crap.
i hate myself.

i don't wanna fall to pieces

why is it that the things that make you happy are also the things that make you sad?

stefani just asked me that. i have an acutely painful understanding of exactly what she means. because as happy as she makes me, i can't look at her without being a little sad. I hate it when she's sad. she still likes Mike and Ben. and she still likes Nick. i know she has no idea how much that hurts me. i thought i was done feeling like this but obviously i'm not. I hate that i get jealous of the guys she likes. i have no right. no reason. but i do anyway. when she's sad i think it hurts me worse then when i'm sad. her dad didn't come up again. she doesn't really show it but i know it hurts her. I just wish i could save her from all of this. all the shit that she has to deal with. i'd gladly die a thousand times over just to see her smile once. she deserves so much more than she has. i hate that i feel like this. that i'm the only one that feels like this and the only one that will never have her. or at least it feels like i'm the only one that feels like this. cause if someone else did, if a GUY did, they'd have a chance, so why aren't they taking it? i hate them. whoever they are i hate them more than i've ever hated anyone else in my entire life. they have a chance at happiness and i don't. i even hate Patrick a little, because she feels about him the way i want her to feel about me and he doesn't even want it. he's never done anything special for her. not specifically for her. and yet she loves him. she loves him for almost no reason and without expecting anything in return. i don't expect anything form her. but oh do i wish it. i told her someday i'd show her this blog. maybe someday i'll be able to admit that i fell in love with my best friend. maybe someday i'll be able to admit that i'm bi. maybe someday, when the risk of heartbreak is gone, i'll let her know how i felt in high school. fuck. my life is so fucked. i kind of wish that i'd gone to the dance, just so stef wasn't so alone. i feel horrible now. but i guess now she understands why i never go. now she knows what it's like to watch all the people you love/d happy with someone else. it leaves a tight feeling in your chest. like someone is applying steady pressure on your lungs, trying to squeeze the air out. like someone reached into your chest and wrenched out part of your heart, leaving the rest to throb painfully and bleed everywhere. but i didn't want her to know what that felt like. i hate that i can't protect her from getting hurt. but if nobody ever got hurt what would the point in living be? i'd like to just hold her and tell her i'm sorry for everything and anything, or even just hold her and not say a word. but she'd never let me do that. i'm not allowed to. she doesn't like it when people touch her, so i don't. i stand next to her and pretend i'm not aching to reach out and just brush one finger against her cheek. i've always wondered what she'd do if i kissed her on the cheek. maybe someday i will. it will more than likely be spur of the moment and easily forgotten. at least for her. but not for me. i could never forget something like that. not something i've thought about and dreamed about and imagined more times than i could say.

where do you cross the fine line between love and obsession and when does obsession become a sin?

I looked away

then I look back at you,

You try to say

the things that you can't undo,

If I had my way

I'd never get over you,

Today's the day

I pray that we make it through.

Make it through the fall,

Make it through it all.

And I don't wanna fall to pieces

I just wanna sit and stare at you.

I don't wanna talk about it

And I don't want a conversation

I just wanna cry in front of you.

I don't wanna talk about it

'Cause I'm in love with you.

You're the only one

I'd be with till the end.

When I come undone

you bring me back again.

Back under the stars,

Back into your arms.

And I don't wanna fall to pieces

I just wanna sit and stare at you.

I don't wanna talk about it

And I don't want a conversation

I just wanna cry in front of you.

I don't wanna talk about it

'Cause I'm in love with you.

Wanna know who you are,

Wanna know where to start,

I wanna know what this means.

Wanna know how you feel,

Wanna know what is real.

I wanna know everything... Everything.

I don't wanna fall to pieces

I just wanna sit and stare at you.

I don't wanna talk about it

And I don't want a conversation

I just wanna cry in front of you.

I don't wanna talk about it.

And I don't wanna fall to pieces

I just wanna sit and stare at you.

I don't wanna talk about it

And I don't want a conversation

I just wanna cry in front of you.

and I don't wanna talk about it

'Cause I'm in love with you.

I'm in love with you,

'Cause I'm in love with you.

I'm in love with you,

I'm in love with you.

Fall To Pieces - Avril Lavigne

I'm Taking You With Me

I made a habit

Of never making promises

That aren't easy to keep

And there you have it

But now I'll make you one that is

To keep you here with me

But as every second that goes by

I feel it's just a waste of time

If I'm not with you

If home is where the heart is

Then my home is where you are (my home is where you are)

But it's getting oh so hard

To spend these days

Without my heart

So I'm taking you with me

Anywhere that I

Could ever wanna be

For the rest of my life

I want you there with me

And if there ever comes a time

When I should have to leave

I hope you know that I

I'm taking you with me

And so I'm trying

To hold it all together and

Make it through the day

When I'm just dyin'

To drop it all and take your hand

So we can run away

from all the miles and the hours

That seem to endlessly devour

The time that I could be with you

If home is where the heart is

Then my home is where you are (my home is where you are)

It's getting oh so hardTo spend these days

Without my heart

So I'm taking you with me

Anywhere that I

Could ever wanna be

For the rest of my life

I want you there with me

And if there ever comes a time

Where I should have to leave
I hope you know that I

I'm taking you with me

Every second that goes by

Is one more second of my life

And it couldn't be more clear

That I would die without you here

And every second that goes by

Is one more second of my life

And it couldn't be more clear

I'm dying without you here

Yeah every second that goes by (yeah every second that goes by)

So I'm taking you with me

Anywhere that I

Could ever wanna be

For the rest of my life

I want you there with me

And if there ever comes a time

Where I should have to leave

I hope you know that I

I'm taking you with me

I'm Taking You With Me - Relient K

i'm not sure if i even have to write anything at all tonight.
cause that song says it all.
maybe someday i'll make a mixed cd with all the songs i used to describe how i feel about her.
whether or not i'll have the balls to give it to her is a different story.

lips for biting

there's something about The All-American Rejects that gives me this feeling i can't explain.
i think i'll always associate them with a certain time in my life where i think i can honestly say i was happy.
sophmore year i think.
i miss it.
the happiness.
it was genuine. it lasted. it wasn't momentary.

You don't have to move, you don't have to speak

lips for biting.

You're staring me down, a glance makes me weak

eyes for striking

Now I'm twisting up when I'm twisted with you

brush so lightly

and time trickles down, and I'm breathing for two

squeeze so tightly.

I'll be fine, you'll be fine.

this moment seems so long

Don't waste now, precious time

we'll dance inside the song

[Chorus]

What makes the one to shake you down?

Each touch belongs to each new sound

Say now you want to shake me too

Move down to me, slip into you

She sinks in my mind as she sheds through her skin

touch sight tastes like fire

hands do now what eyes no longer defend

hands to fuel desire

I'll be fine, you'll be fine

this moment seems so long

Don't waste now, precious time

we'll dance inside the song

[Chorus]

Ooo, ah [x8]

And I'll be fine, you'll be fine

Is this fine? I'm not fine

Give me pieces, give me things to stay awake (stay awake)

[Chorus x2]

Move down to me, slip into you

this song makes me thing of Stefani.

the conflicting emotions make my stomach swirl and my head ache but it doesn't matter. because it makes me think of Stefani. she could do her worst, and i'd still love her. i've never really understood why people put up with the shit that their bf or gf gives them but i think i do now. because if you truly love them, you don't care. because you've seen part of them that you just can't live without and no matter what they do you can't help but keep loving them. so even though sometimes i feel like Stefani just puts up with me, like she doesn't really want me around, like she'd rather be alone, i'll still always love her. i'll always be there for her. it's unconditional. it doesn't matter. if she told me she hated me and then picked up and left i'd still love her. if she called a few years later and needed me i'd be there. if she treated me like shit once i got there, i'd stick around. not that she would do that, cause i don't think she would, but if she did. I'm not sure if it's that she doesn't understand or if she doesn't think she deserves it or what. the whole point of unconditional is that it doesn't matter whether she deserves it or not. i'm going to love her anyway. maybe someday i'll love her differantly. maybe the love will change, but it will always be there. she will always be the most important thing in my life. i can't imagine life without her.

i hate the way your nose burns when you're trying not to cry.

on a rainy monday

lets play the 'have you ever' game.

have you ever wanted it to end
have you ever just needed a break
have you ever made a mistake
have you ever wanted to take it back
have you ever needed someone
have you ever loved someone
have you ever cried over someone
have you ever haed yourself
have you ever cut yourself
have you ever caused yourself pain
have you ever tried to keep it all inside
have you ever wanted to tell
have you ever actually told
have you ever regreted it afterwards
have you ever had a good day
have you ever had a nightmare
have you ever wished it was easier
have you ever hated yourself
have you ever hated the one you loved
have you ever slept all night
have you ever stayed up all night
have you ever just wanted a hug
have you ever been afraid to ask
have you ever wished things were differant
have you ever loved the wrong person
have you ever wished you didn't
have you ever been crushed
have you ever needed to cry
have you ever not been able to
have you ever just wanted to be loved back?

lunar eclipse

today was awesome.
a lot of recently has been awesome.
idk what it is but for like a week my life has sucked only to the mildest degree.
and yet i'm still not happy.
not really.
i talked to Carla!!!
*dances*
i miss her :[
but i'll probably see her on saturday
*dances some more*
cause there's no way in hell i'm going to that dance.
*shakes head* nuh uh.
i'm going to Sam's.
cause sam is way awesomer.
yes. it's a word.

the long kiss goodnight

ack! stef gave me the link to her xanga and i couldn't read it.
there's no way i'd let her read my blog so why should i be able to read hers?
doesn't seem fair.
but i so desperately WANT her to read it.
i want her to read and understand and have everything be ok.
but it wouldnt' be. it would be gutwrenching and horrifying and life threatening.
oh god what i would give to be able to tell her everything and have it work like a fanfiction.
why can't life be like a story and have a happy ending. even if the middle sucks a happy ending would be nice.
i kinda neglected this for a little bit. which mades no sense cause i had days off school... maybe the stress makes me write more? idk. but today was amazing. Stefani blew off Michelle to hang out with me. ME. when does this happen? never. i miss her so much. i miss how we used to be. before michelle. or maybe we weren't any differant. maybe Michelle is just making it more obvious. she still never says she loves me. the closest she's ever come is what she just said. i said "love you buddy." and she said ":) you too" it's usually "ily" which, i believe i've covered before. i hate that she can't say that she loves me. why do i have to love her so much if she can't love me back? am i unlovable? is that what my problem is? i've had a sexuality crisis (which still isn't resolved) an identity crisis (which may never be resolved) and a pre mid life crisis (which is pretty much on-going). i'm just one giant crisis with no end in sight. maybe i should just make it all stop. would it help? would she be better off without me? i'd like to think she needs me at least a little bit as much as i need her but it's unlikey. she doesn't let herself need anyone. maybe i'd be better off loving someone else. but i don't WANT to love anyone else. i want her. i'm pretty sure i could settle for super close friends. the kind that are ok with kisses and cuddling. i just want her to love me, is that such a bad thing? am i being punnished for something i don't understand?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
i will never understand why i'm not allowed to be happy. why for some reason the fates have decided that i'm not to have a soul mate. maybe i'm just not being patient enough. but why would i be allowed to fall for someone if they weren't my soul mate?
what am i talking about?! soul mate?!
she's my best friend not my soul mate!
goddammit! i can't take this!
i can't fall for my best friend, i'm not even bi, let alone a lesbian.
at least i don't think.
oh god just end it. just someone kill me so i don't have to over think this shit. i'm done over thinking. i don't want to think anymore. i want it to stop.
i'm going to be completely selfish for a few minutes.
i want to feel loved.
i want to feel beautiful.
i want to be needed.
i want to be held.
i want someone to play with my hair and kiss my forehead.
i want the them to let me curl up with them when i can't sleep
i want them to sing to me
i want them to wipe away my tears and assure me that they will always love me.
i want them to hold my hand even around their jerkwad friends.
i want them to run their fingers across my face and by way of explination say 'i want to memorize every inch of your face so i never forget it.'
i want them to think i'm beautiful even though i'm not.
beautiful on the inside and full of amazing ideas and ambition.
i want them to encourage me to pursue my dreams.
i want them to randomly kiss me, just because they can.
because it makes them feel good too.
i want to make someone feel good just by being myself.
i want to make someone take that second look that changes everything.
i want them to hold me and wrap me in a blanket and whisper in my ear about things that matter only to us.
i want love like in the Notebook.
i want to find the Noah to my Allie.
the Peter Pan to my Wendy.
the peanut butter to my jelly.
the cheese to my macaroni.
the cheese to my macaroni.
the cheese to my macaroni.
i've called Stefani that before.
STOP!
Enough!
you can't!
you can't you can't you can't!!
I HATE MYSELF! i hate myself and nothing can change my mind except maybe that nonexistant person i just discribed.
just my luck my soul mate is non-existant.

story

nothing ever goes the way you planand
i have to say i'm not a fan
of the way my life is going now
you've always said everything will be alright
but i can't help but think of ending it tonight
i always doubt myslef even in the best times
nobody should have to feel this way
i'd like to tell you a story if i may
about a girl who was just so in love
but knew that she was all alone
and so she picked up the telephone
and said, i love you, please don't cry
I know you'll miss me but you'll be fine
don't focus on the crimson line
look at my face, i'm happy now
and hanging up she took the blade
breathed in deep and quickly made
one deep line upon each wrist
both a promise, neither kept
I promise that we'll be forever
I'll never leave you, cross my heart

urg.

valentines day sucks.
i have a headache.
my life sucks.

Under Pressure

David Bowie and Freddie Mercury are too amazing for words.

peta2

i am a proud peta member as of yesterday.
it's exhilerating to say the least.
i also went vegan at 4am this morning.
read too many articals on the dairy industry.
*shudders* dairy cows are NOT happy cows...
i get cool stickers though!!
i wanna table at a concert someday.
we'll see what the next ferris concert is.

post secret

i'm making a post card to send to Post Secret.
maybe someday stef will see it and know.
maybe she won't hate me.

i'll be just fine, pretending i'm not.

i feel like everyone else in the world is out doing something fun and i'm stuck here doing nothing like the lame geek that i am.
it's unfair how seriouly lame my life is.
i get up.
if it's a school day, i go to school.
if not, it's probably 4 in the afternoon.
i get yelled at.
i get on the internet.
i check my mail.
i go to livejournal.
i read fanfiction.
i check Pete's blog.
i check my blog.
i listen to music.
i watch tv.
i go to bed.
it's probably 4 in the AM.
repeat.
urg.

aquafina

i want something fried.
french fries to be exact.
or there's that new pizza.
from Pizza Hut.
the crunchy cheesy crust pizza.
that sounds really good.
gah.

chloraseptic

i'm craving real food.
like... taco bell, or pancakes and hashbrowns, or some sort of noodle related thing, or fried zucchini... mmm.
i have bruises on the backs of my thighs from my computer chair.
i want a comfy one, with arm rests and a high back.
or carpet would be nice, my feet are freezing.
mom said that something came into Menards that i want and she got it.
but she didn't say what it was.
i want to know.
*makes a face*

i'm dying

k, so the cough from hades turned into a full blown sickness.
by lunch i had a fever and then i had the chills and then my body started to ache and i had sinus pressure and a headache.
i didn't have to babysit thank god.
but my family is terribly rude and refuse to believe i'm really sick.
they think it's all in my head.
that i want attention.
well fuck them all up the ass with shovel.
and i never got my college work done cause i fell asleep as soon as i got home and didn't wake up untill 2am.

*coughs up a lung*

the cough from hell has become the cough from hades.
and i have to babysit overnight tonight.
i may end up shooting those kids.
i need to finish my college work too.
ugh.