urg.

Stefani went to prom with Mike.

do i need to say more about that?

i have no fucking clue what's going on there and if one more person asks me like i'm supposed to know i'm going to scream.

apparently we look closer than we are.

food intake

1)ritz crackers

2)chik'n pita wrap

3)peanut butter and jelly quesadilla

no walk

no bike ride

no throwing up

food intake (three days)

FRIDAY


1)peanut butter sandwich

2)half an orange

3)soy chai latte

4)crunch wrap(torilla, crunchy taco shell, beans, lettuce, tomato, onion)

5)spaghetti

6)peanut butter and jelly sandwich

walk

no bike ride

no throwing up

= 28 snaps



SATURDAY


Supposed to be a fast day. Prom kinda threw that off. The punishment doesn't do any good so I'm going to leave it out until I come up with something better.

1)strawberry shortcake

2)spinach with dressing

3)peanuts

4)vegetable Asian bowl

5)dry roasted peanuts

6)half an orange and strawberries

walk

no bike ride

no throwing up



SUNDAY



Weight day

1)chik'n sandwich with tomato

2)cabbage and chik'n strips

3)tomato sandwich

4)cereal

5)chik'n sandwich

Previous weight= 190

Current weight= 188

food intake

1)Animal crackers/dried fruit

2)tater tots

3)half an orange

4)ritz crackers/dried fruit

5)hash browns

6)spaghetti

no walk

no bike ride

no throwing up

=30 snaps

food intake

1)animal crackers/cranberries

2)peanut butter sandwich

3)half an orange

4)bowl of cereal

5)french fries

6)tortilla with refried beans

no walk

no bike ride

no throwing up

= 30 snaps

fear

you don't know how to be loved
i'm waiting here for a chance to prove you wrong
why don't you open up and smile at me
i'm trying to be cryptic and failing miserably
the hope is pounding through my veins
i'll try and keep the beat to myself
you were never one for rhythm anyway
a glance can mean the world
an empty shrug can mean my life
are you afraid to mean so much to me
it's too late you already own my heart

lost

if i lied and said i hated you
would it be better than the way things ought to be
cause you're so blind to the way i feel
for all i know you feel the same as well
i catch a glance of sympthy some days
do you know more than i give you credit for
why do you lead me on like this
you should be mine but you're not
and maybe i'm ok with that sometimes
i'm so confused about where i belong
are there arms out there that are waiting for me
i wish they'd hurry up and find me

food intake

1)animal crackers/cereal

2)peanut butter sandwich

3)french fries

4)tortilla with refried beans

5)whole pizza, no cheese, pineapple, and green peppers

no walk

no bike ride

no throwing up

50 snaps

food intake

i think i consume about 1,000 calories a day.
my first goal is to make it down to 600 calories a day by graduation.


1)Animal crackers/cereal

2)Peanut butter sandwich

3)Half a small orange

4)Pretzels

5)Pineapple (about 70 calories)

6)Tortilla and refried beans with ketchup (about 260 calories)

7)Small bowl of cereal

8)Peanut butter and jelly sandwich

no walk

no bike ride

no throwing up

=40 snaps

Sleeping Beauty

you are wishing
(wishing for a love you'll never have)
and i'm giving
(giving you a love you don't want)
life is failing
(failing to show you what love really is)
are you ready for a reality check
i'd love to be the one to wake you up
oh sleeping beauty of mine

Ana

i'm going to try something new.

i have a picture of a super skinny girl set as my background.

i'm going to look at it everytime i want to go get something to eat.

when i do eat, i have to write it down and then list it here at the end of the day with caloric intake if possible.

for everything i eat i have to snap my wrist with a hairtie 5 times.

if i go for a walk that cancels out 2 snaps.

if i go for a bike ride that cancels out 5 snaps.

if i throw up some of what i ate that cancels out 7 snaps

if i throw up everything that cancels out 10.

so if i only eat two things and i throw it all up or eat one thing and go for a bike ride, no punishment.

saturdays are fast days.

rules about fast days-
-water is to be consumed in large quantities.
-everytime you want to eat you must look through the thin pictures and snap your wrist with the hair tie 5 times.
-if prompted to eat, politely decline. if pushed, a fruit or some juice may be consumed but must be thrown up later.
-no food may be eaten until after church on sunday. at which time only light foods such as cereal or a plain veggie burger (no bun) should be eaten.
-it is highly recommended to go on a walk or bike ride to take your mind off of the food.


i have to weigh myself every sunday.

rules about weighing-
-must be done after a shower when completely naked
-number must be recorded
-if i lost weight i am allowed to skip one excersize time in favor of a longer nap.
-if no weight is lost i must excersize more. (a bike ride if i was going to walk, a longer bike ride if i was already going to ride my bike etc.)

a walk should be taken everyday if possible.

i hope this works.

Gold

my thoughts have no meaning
without a song to sing them to
it's a waste of time and money
or so they've said to you
raise your eyes to the skies
keep your head high
these words need a melody or two


i'm only here to remind you
when angels sing golden words of hope
pull the curtain from the window
and let the light shine through
color all the darkness with
the longing of a thousand dreamers

are you ready for all of this
we're gonna walk down those streets
ignore the stares of the passersby
we're better than they'll ever know
can you feel the music playing
it's pulsing through our veins
keeping us alive inside and out

i'm only here to remind you
when angels sing golden words of hope
pull the curtain from the window
and let the light shine through
color all the darkness with
the longing of a thousand dreamers

tell me all your dreams come true
smile and tell me angels never cry
we're so many miles away from
all we ever thought we'd know
but are you happy, are you happy
this is shaking me up, upside down
but our names are in lights these days

Push

i'm gonna push push push
dream that you're mine
we'll be big someday
let's toe that line
push peoples reality
will you be mine
will i be yours
i'd give it all up
for just a day to be yours

you and only you

the confusion has reached an ultimate peak
my brain to mouth filter has gone on vacation
i'm stumbling, stuttering, making a fool of myself
can you feel the words flying from my mouth
they are aimed at you and only you

dodge the phrases you don't accept
it'll be like they never left my brain
meaningless glances exchanged between friends
do you catch the meaning, the meaning behind
all the words i've said to you and only you

grow up.

i hate the way i feel right now.

it's so pathetic.

completely unreasonable and immature.

Anything

put your hand in mine
we'll get out of here together
leave it all behind for good
lets show them that we're better
make a statement, leave our mark
take a chance to make it farther

you've got pretty words
but actions speak louder
get up and do something
i'd do anything for you

but i'll never let you know

Let go

i wanna let go
scream at the top of my lungs
would you save me if i needed it
would i have to ask for help
i'm an accident waiting to happen
a time bomb with seconds left
duck and cover, save yourself
the shrapnel won't leave any survivors
just let me go

dreaming

there are so many things i'd like to say
but no time to put the thoughts to words
would you take the time to listen
if i took the time to write things down
would time stand still and frowns disolve
i wish i was dreaming

young and depressed

the plan was always for stef and i to move in together.
for a little while i was beginning to think she wanted rid of me altogether.
now she's talking about taking care of her dad.
she thinks it would be cool for us to get apartments in the same building.
maybe she doesn't hate me.

the thing that's always bugged me, is im always the one coming up with the plans in this relationship. if i left it up to her we'd never spend any time together.

sometimes thinking about her makes me cry, even when i'm happy.

i feel blank a lot lately. i want to cut but i haven't. for me this is a sign that i'm weak. why.

if

if you were i and i were you
would you love i like i love you

gone in a flash

there's a full mood hanging behind your head
warping my view of your angel eyes
you're black on white and cleancut angles
i'll wrap you in my arms to feel my heart beat
never thought i'd admit to being weaker than you
i hate the way you push me away when i'm at my weakest
can you see my heart break everytime you do
i should lie down if only to calm the pounding in my head
haven't slept since the day you first hated me
will you sing me to sleep one last time
as i take this cocktail of drugs and alcohol

false hope

it's begining to seem like the people on the street
know me better than those that i've known since first beat
your eyes are sad like heart break moons
but your smile is wide like happy loons
i don't know what to believe these days
living like this certainly never pays
open up your book of secrets and write inside
of all the times you closed your eyes and lied
told her that she was bright like morphine
kissed her right before you got mean
left her on her own below the sea line
she will always smile and say she's just fine
but you know better, better than she knows
look at the way you see the river flows
the angel knows your deepest secret
you need to find someone to be your outlet
i'm going to leave you here like you left me
how could you dare to leave me be
remember when i said to you
that i loved you and could you love me too?
she'll always leave the backdoor open
false hope for the way it was back then
if only you knew what hope could do

why

i can't help but feel sick inside/every time i look at you/i love you, i love you, i do/it's a battle i cannot win/you're a part of me that i can't loose/not sure if i'd want to, givin the chance/if you love me at all/you'll set me free from your grasp/keep quiet now it'll be over soon/just one more push and i'll be over the edge/give me one more reason to take a leap/i'll thank you later, after you've gone/you never hear me anyway//i'm sorry i'm not the one you want/it's your fault but i'll always be the one/to apologise for the mistakes you've made/do you love me even a little bit/i've never asked for much i thought/just a smile when i'm feeling down/a hug when i can only seem to frown/that's too much and i'm sorry i asked//i just wanna sleep for days and days/get over you and on with me/can't have you for what it's worth/they keep looking at me like they know/someone shield me from their stares/it's burning holes through my shallow skin/wish i could die and not come back again/but i'm not strong enough to take my life/hiding behind these false expressions/i'll wait for someone to see through the crowd/wish it was you once in a while

i can't help but feel sick inside, every time i look at you

apparently Michelle thinks i'm in love with Stefani.

i would laugh if it weren't so absurdly possible.

i've decided i'm going to get over this, retarded little crush. i'm not going to ask for a hug anymore, i'm not going too sit to close to her, i'm not going to do anything clingy. i'm can't and i won't.

i'll become a reclusive little shell and only leave my apartment to go to work.