*ded*

Noah asked me out.

i can't even formulate the words to describe what i'm feeling.

i want to say yes. i honestly do.

but it's not fair to him. because i'm in love with Stefani.

and i hate myself for that. i was presented a chance to escape and i blew it by telling him.

not everything. just that it wouldn't be fair to him because i was in love with someone who can never love me back.

god fucking damn it!

i hate myself so much right now.

i mean, it's like, someone likes me, for me. and i can't even accept that. if i can't just take that for what it is, than where am i headed? what is my life going to be like if i can't let myself live?

i see this ending either really well, or really really really bad.

someone put me out of my misery.

new years

part of me loves the thought of getting a new start. kind of like a clean slate with notes off to the side. and part of me is terrified that things aren't going to get better. if they way i'm spending new years eve is any indication 2009 is gonna blow.

stefani's pm and sn on messenger keep getting more and more confusing. i refuse to let myself get my hopes up. today's says: [[Watching you... wanting you...]] don't you... forget about me?

and it's like, what the hell. either she's still hung up on Mike (which would seriously piss me off) or... i don't even know. or i want to think i know but won't let myself. something like that.

TOP 5 IN 2008:

1. Fall Out Boy's new cd. Fall Out Boy in general.

2. The Panic Concert (yes, it gets caps.)

3. Barack Obama (nuff said)

4. Chicago. oh how i miss you.

5. Graduating.



TOP (HOPEFUL) 5 IN 2009:

1. my band. just, anything happening there would be great.

2. i wanna meet someone i look up to. like Pete Wentz.

3. independance (read: apartment)

4. more Chicago. please.

5. youtube. like, really.

more lyrics

The smoke is a veil before my face
I’d like to tell you that I love you
It’s not a feeling I indulge too often
But for you I’d change my ways
You’ll never be in love with me
Keep me always closer to your heart
I’m more alone than I thought I was
And yet not quite the way I always believed
Every word is written just for you
If I have my way you’ll never even know


Nicotine smiles meet heartbreak eyes
Underneath those arsenic skies
I keep my words to save my lies
You’re only hearts and butterflies

stuff i forgot about

to be ice cold
to be made of stone
to be unloved
and to not love back

to keep a secret
to tell someone elses
to be alone
and not to care

to be like me
to be like you
to be an angel
my guardian angel




time flies when you're having fun
and i'm stuck in a moment
i can see you waltzing past
i want to reach out but i can't
you are moving much to fast

i fall and you're not here to catch me
are you happier now that i've gone
i'm wishing you back by my side
back to the way we once were

i can feel you watching me
turn around and the room is empty
what a tragedy you're here to see
everyone laughs, i'm cold and lonely
i'd like to pretend i've got somewhere to be

i fall and you're not here to catch me
are you happier now that i've gone
i'm wishing you back by my side
back to the way we once were




here we are again
it's saturday and we're here again
just a touch away from
the biggest mistake of our lives
make another apology
and turn your head to stare at the ground
i can tell
i can tell you don't mean a single word

don't say you love me
don't be that way
don't say you love me
lets be honest now
cause you don't, you don't, you don't

i'm watching you
we're dancing around each other now
just a room away from
coming to terms with this
look away to the left whoa-oh
you're avoiding me like typhoid fever
you know
you know now that you were wrong

don't say you love me
don't lie that way
don't say you love me
cause we both know
you don't, you don't, you don't

don't say it.
don't look at me, don't say it.
i'm a mile away now
i've forgotten you, yeah
don't say it.
don't say you love me.

you were wrong and you know it
we're dancing around each other
this is the biggest mistake of our lives
don't say you love me.