last goodbye

i can feel the pieces of my heart
they're tearing me apart
the tears are slowly leaving trackmarks
all along my face
i'm sorry i wasn't what you wanted
it's my fault that i thought you cared
remember that i never blame you
this is my last goodbye.

heartbreak

i wonder if Stefani can see my heart break everytime she makes a face when i ask for a hug.
i get that she doesn't like hugs.
i don't like them either.
i don't let anyone hug me.
but she's differant.
she's everything.
and she's breaking my heart.

i feel like i need to let off some steam but idk what about.
my whole life has been like that.
feeling the pressure build and not knowing how to relieve it, just waiting for it to explode.
ugh.
you know what i don't understand?
how come rappers get all the recognition when all they do is talk in a rhythm.
they have people behind them that sing and play the music and stuff but because they apparently have god given rhythm they get the awards and their name on the cover.
if they write the words i suppose they're aren't totally in the wrong, but still.
they should be considered part of a band, not a singular artist.
*sigh* idk anymore. i can't show true emotion when i want to.

I'm An American Teen

i'm one shot down idea away
from rocking back and forth in the fetal position
and your cynical outlook isn't helping me any
i'm trying really hard to keep my head above water
but you're pulling on my ankle and you're dragging me under
what a day in the life of an american teen

my music is the only thing that's keeping me sane
i'm plugged into my ipod like it's heaven on earth
head bangin' gets weird looks but i don't care either way
walking down the street i'm singing Adam and Andrew
cause everyone loves to listen to the lesbian song
haha just kidding, i'd rather read me some slash

clothes are more than just a statement it's about who you are
studded belts and black nail polish are at the top of my list
and don't let me forget about my converse all stars
i wear my shirts tight and my jeans even tighter
put a hoodie over that and you've got me in a nut shell
and don't even get me started bout the way i wear my hair

but most important to me is the fuckin eyeliner
or if you're a guy you just might call it guyliner
everyone looks awesome with some black around their eyes
add some neon eyeshadow and you're ready to rock
draw some hearts stars and swirls and you've hit the top
you're special and unique and you know how to show it

if there's one thing i hate it's them lame homophobes
there's nothing wrong with being gay cause love is love anyway
kiss a guy, kiss a girl, it doesn't matter to me
if you're in love and you are happy then i'm happy for you
all you haters keep your mouths shut cause we don't wanna hear it
this isn't a democracy, you don't get an opinion


EDIT: i must have been drunk when i wrote this. it's... waaaay out of character for me... and it scares me a little. xD

There Is No Happy Ending

i'm not here for you
i'm here to wish upon a star
yes that one over there
i'm wishing for a happy ending
it'd be nice if you came too

there's a girl who lives inside my head
her smile is like a blooming rose
her eyes hold dreams and happy themes
and she's everything i wish i was
but i'm not anything like her

if i could pick a day to say
to you the words i feel today
i'd wait until you felt the same
so we could both win at this game
but life is never quite that fair

Crazy

let's pretend today never happened
so we can go back to the way
things are supposed to be
i'm somewhere in between
being dead and feeling alive
you're the only one who ever
made me feel like i could fly

it's a long road to where you find yourself
are you sure you wanna make that trip alone
i'd wait forever and a day
to here you say you wanna be with me
don't listen to a word i say
crazy people can't be trusted
and i'm crazy in love

the last person

i've reached a point where i don't think i have a good reason to go on.
no ones ever made me feel like i had a reason to live.
the ones i love never love me back.
i'm always alone in the way i feel.
is that the way it's supposed to be?
are you supposed to love someone who doesn't love you back?
does that teach you something?
to never fall in love becuase they will never care as much as you do.
i believe i'm destined to always care too much.
if stefani can't even love me back what hope do i have that anyone else will.
i live in constant fear that she'll find out how i feel and judge me for it.
she'll hate me.
although i'm not sure that she doesn't already.
i hate myself.
i hate myself enough for 5 people.
but the last person i wanted to hate me was her.

It's All In The Way You Breathe

i wish there was a time
a better time for me to be alive
with underwater orchestras
and cellos singing lullaby's
a time for love and happiness
where you loved me like i love you

but you're in love
with somebody else
and that makes me cry
cause you deserve better
and i'm not the one

i wish there was a day
a better day for me to fall in love
with flying fish that love to sing
and turtles making playdoh hearts
a day for rainbow smiles and laughs
where you loved me like i love you

but you're in love
with somebody else
and that makes me cry
cause you deserve more
and i'm not the one

i wish there was a moment
a better moment to believe
with smiling elves and unicorns
and fairies dancing on the wind
a moment where we both believed
that happy endings could come true

but you're in love
with somebody else
and that makes me cry
cause you deserve more
and i'm not the one

i suck at writing lyrics

i wanted you to know
that i'd never leave you
but you're already leaving me
and i'm lost and confused
with no way of knowing
which way is up and which is down

so i'm just floating
suspended in thin air
weightless and alone

take my hand now
let me know you're here
i've been waiting for you
and i'm not sorry
but i need you here with me
but i am still alone

Utter Scrutiney

there's a girl in the corner
who knows everything
and she's staring at you
like she's got nothing better to do
is it making you nervous
are you starting to squirm
she's looking right through
to your soul and beyond

there's a boy on the street
who can't seem to breathe
and he's looking to you
like you've got nothing better to do
is it making you nervous
are you starting to squirm
he's begging for you
to come and save him

there's a child like you
who's lost and confused
and they're looking to see
if you're there with them too
is it making you happy
are you starting to live
you've both gone to heaven
and it's all in the words

tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that i can't say

if i had the chance to tell stefani eveything without consequence would i do it?

do i really want things to change?

i mean i do, i know i do

i want Michelle to go away and i want to be able to spend more time with stefani but...

do i want things to change that way?

i almost think maybe i wouldn't.

i'm a coward that way.

it's better to never know if maybe she loved me back then to take a chance and loose it all.

i'd never be good at gambling.

nightcapade

if my life was a video game i think they'de call it Nightcapade.

and the object of the game would be to make it through the maze of homework and messy rooms and rude people and parents and shit until you collected all the cd's and then find the end which would be a safe haven of internet and bands and best friends and music and happiness.

yup.

it'd be 4 like, old school nintendo too.

cause it doesn't get much better than that.







rollercoaster dreams and river rapid nightmares

everybody knows that no one cares

if you are drowning in your sleep

they just want you to take the leap

off the edge of your proverbial cliff

but you can't, your body's stiff



stay awake if only in dreamlands

listen to their unresonable demands

go ahead and prop your eyelids open

this isn't quite the life that you'd been hoping

i fly, fall and falter

i thought Michelle was going to be out of the picture but apparently i was wrong.
"she's getting better"
fucking hell!
i don't fucking want her to get the fuck better!
i want her to fucking go away!
she's ruining my life. everyday is hell with her there and i can't stand it.
i want things to be just me and stef.
am i really so selfish to want that?

i try to fly but i fall
roll and stumble
you're not there to catch me
with you i'm soaring
here, now, i'm faltering
come back to the way we were

to lose yourself in a dream

i've been a lot happier lately then i used to be.
maybe it's because stefani is getting sick of michelle so i don't feel like i have to fight to get stefani to notice me.
i feel like things are getting back to the way they should be.
and i'm glad.

on letting go

i can't think of anything to write yet but i'm sure that i'll think of something.
i'm never free of things to rant about.
i haven't talked to stefani since friday.
i miss her. but hate that i do.
2 days and i already miss her.

i'm working on a story.
i'm not going to post it until i'm finished though.
maybe i'll actually finish this one.
it's about a girls battle with anorexia.
maybe it's about my battle with anorexia, but this girl will get it right.
she'll loose the weight.
maybe she'll loose to much, but she'll loose it.
and eventually someone will make her feel beautiful and she'll get better.
i wish that would happen to me.
i want to know what beautiful feels like.
i want to know what loved feels like.